Go Remind Me: 2013 edition

The most beautiful of God's favors usually come in the most ugliest boxes.

Faced with a dilemma? Fired out of work? Heartbroken? Sick? You're in the right track. You're about to be blessed, BIG TIME, and everything is like a long stretch of a launch from an arrow about to fly skywards. Your gift is right there, in your ugly box, so don't let go. Keep on holding it. Wait. And let the ribbons let loose by themselves to open up an amazing favor hiding in there all along.

Your wandering has a purpose. God will bring you to your promised land in His perfect time.

Waiting has never been a friend, to anyone. We humans are created to be impatient, to have things our way, in our own time. When we're stuck without any certainties, it's good to know that God lets us wander because we have a final destination--our Canaan. That means wherever you are right now is just a piece of your journey.

My 2013 in Instagram

So, I think I have a lot of these 2013 posts. I can't get enough of this year; there's so much to talk about despite me not doing most of the things I used to do. It's the year when I took a step back, glanced at another direction, and found my labor getting its own reward. I find myself more inside my room with my mind roaming around the earth, meeting strangers, keeping my feet on the ground, with my reality as my ministry and my church community as my family.

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="612"] Good Morning, 2013![/caption]

My 2013 Failures And Victories

Okay, so the title seems to be the antithesis of the other, but I decided to push this post, because I thought it will give me, and every reader, the drastic scenario that I have somehow improved. Most of my problems aren't really big, if only it wasn't bloated out by my traumatizing social experiences. But anyways, I would like you to look at my list of failures and victories, and tell me if somehow, between these lines, I am more of a victor than a failure.

My 2013 Highlights

I may have mentioned somewhere in this blog that I only have a little life. I am an introvert, which is why I spend most of the time indoors (yes, while at work). So if you're looking for a wild, travel adventure or a glam set of fashion images, nope. That's not here. I have a really humble, modest life, with little achievements I consider as great feats. How? Well, these highlights may give you an idea.

January

• Applied for my SSS ID, which is important for my future.


• Got my hair in dark blonde

February

• Bought my dad his new phone for his birthday


• This blog's FB page created


• SSS ID delivered! *this was fast! We expected at least 6 months of interval before it'll be shipped.

March

• Atlag P&W spends time together overnight for our Easter P&W. This was a crazy experience and we had a lot of discussion (and it ended up having us doing it). Imagine moving all of our instruments one Saturday afternoon, then stay up all night as we have to get to the venue at 5 AM the next day!

My 2013 Goals And What Became of It

My journal has a built in "list" wherein I should jot down my goals for the year. Some of them were a hit, most a miss. Here's my humble little handful, and I'm proud to say that whatever materialized was all that I needed. There's a whopping hundred of them, but some are more on the emotional side. Here are the more tangible ones, which, uh, I guess, is more evident.

1. Save $500


2. Buy a piano


3. Travel: go to at least 5 new places


4. Meet new people. Meet new friends


5. Improve prayer life


6. Do something different everyday


7. Learn a new language: Spanish or Italian


8. Rewrite Rouen's Diary


9. Get new collaborations

Songs for the soul: my repose

If there is anything I wish to be that stays constant ever since I was young, it's to write songs. I've written my first song when I was like nine or ten years old (Grade 5). It's in Filipino, and if you don't understand the language, the better for you. My first song is very cheesy, but I guess you can forgive me for that. Mind you, I was a kid back then. I have already forgotten the verses, but the first one has always stuck in my mind. Here it goes:

Mayroon akong isang pangarap, sa puso ko'y panaginip na ipinunla
Parang kayamanang patuloy na lumalago sa twina
At bawat pagsubok, aking haharapin upang makamtan ang mithiin
Mayroon akong isang pangarap, sa puso ko'y mananatili.

Go ahead and use Google Translate if you insist on knowing.

Words have always been my best friend. When I'm not in the mood to draw sad, blank expressions whenever I'm upset, I always write. Just anything. It could be poetry. Or a song. I missed the chance of being an animator (being a self-declared オタク), but I can always be a writer whenever I want to because I don't need any high-end utilities to vent out my creativity. Instead of a tablet and good drawing pen, I can just take a piece of paper and pour out my soul.

One bad thing after another

It's really quite upsetting to have one bad thing after another occur just days before the year ends. Most often, everything is amazingly perfect after Christmas, because we've got lots of things to celebrate. My parents' anniversary is on the 30th, and my birthday is on the 31st. I'm turning 28 by the way.

Oh, but let me tell you about our unwanted new happenings. First, one of the agencies I work decided to let go of me. I had fun being with them, and I felt that I was only to enjoy their company for a season. And it was one of the best working seasons I had! Earlier I had two clients who did not renew my contract. I understand that that's how freelancing life goes, and I had more than enough for this year. Probably, it's because of the so-many unwanted situation happening around me that distracts me entirely from being my best.

Best (and funniest) Christmas gift ever!

Hello everyone. Meet my boyfriend: 김수현. He came out of the box that a little lady gave me. And he's not the alien from the stars. He's more of a pink little bunny who incessantly says "I love you" when his stomach gets tickled. And he can change face anytime. I'm planning Miura Haruma! *FTW!

I wish you could see me

I wish I could let you
Look at me
Bare
And see the rough patches on my skin
The lines of my eyes
Wrinkling through my cheeks
My bad teeth
And unkempt hair
When I did not shampoo it
For two days.
I wish you can look at me
When I am in my most terrible

Unshelling

It's amazing how
You're slowly peeling
My skin
Piece by piece
Unshelling my soul
I once thought was chaos
And letting me see my innards
Which now I see is
Beautiful

Unshelled © 2013 Caris Cruz

Merry Christmas, from the Avendanos!

My relatives from my mother's side held a grand Noche Buena this 24th to celebrate our not-so-complete reunion. My aunt and cousin just returned from Holland and we just gotta celebrate Christmas with a bang! We invaded our Uncle's home (which is quite a few streets away from ours) bringing food and gifts. Tito Boy's house always look neat and sosyal for Christmas. The place looks warm with the yellow autumn tones, and everything's like picture ready. Except us, of course!

Miracle on Bethlehem Street

This year's Christmas season is topped off by a laborious presentation from the church's very own Templekids. We took on Miracle on Bethlehem Street, a funny, yuletide material that reminds one of what Christmas really is. I'm among those working behind the scenes as the set and props group, because, we're the creatives. There was a smart suggestion from the group to use LCD projectors instead of regular props; we just have to put up a stage screen which can be used as a curtain as well.

Here they are, assembling the stage right after lunch time, and the boys are clearing out the altar for the set. Moe is preparing this video for a fast track shot he's thinking when compiling the whole show later on.



And me? I'm behind the camera... behind this camera!

Current chronicles

Hullo, everyone! It's Christmas week, would you believe that? I've never felt a busier holiday season than this--and each year is busier than before! Gifts to wrap, people to thank, pictures to take, letters to write and of course, work to work on makes anyone's life all the more challenging. So while I'm at that, here's some of the other things I'm doing; presenting, my current chronicles (which will become this blog's staple section):

• Uploading pictures and deleting the whole chunk off my camera. The Japanese language makes it all difficult.


• Pinning to write a year-end blog post but it turns out I can't because all my brain juice has been drained out


• Just finished a scheduled Christmas blog post for a favorite blog I am working on, and smiling at the response of readers this holiday season. Go visit Karma Kiss' Blog.


• Smelling the banana cake my mom is baking and hoping that I can help her with the errands this afternoon. Baking is tough work, you know. Especially if you're not the ones to eat what you've made.


• Trying to survive another spell of ikemen glory when Haruma Miura and Takeru Sato just pops out of my dashboard. Bad, you.


• Thankful that Wina has included two large liters of C2, my regular good fuel, in our Christmas bags. Feeling like a kid here! Posting some stuffs about yesterday's event real quick.


• Hearing my dog, Mapi (YES, it's for Yamapi, but my pet's real cute) crying during the rain and me having to fetch her because she's getting drenched while playing outside.


• Finally finished uploading the pictures; now getting some time off and then eventually help mama prep up our gifts!

Blog has moved! Update

As of this moment, my blog has transferred back to it's blog. I think I'll never get used to having no blogs under my own domain, so there. I'm keeping the main site for my portfolio, the perfect landing page. So I'll be revamping the whole thing up because the blog and the main site looks so much the same and having them like this is altogether creepy.

I'm back at my blog homebase and please continue to support me.

I want to tell you, your jokes are cheesy

I saw your face, that smirk
And my heart pounds mad as I listen to
Your thundering voice, just because
Out of your lips come senseless jokes
Just to annoy me, pleasantly.
It's what thrills you
It's what shirks me.

I saw your smile and my heart melted away

I am marking this day because I just had the craziest dream last night. Happiest I've had for months. You know, I hate to have dreams like this because it triggers my yearning for romance, which is evidently NOT possible, as of yet. But it's really pleasant. Especially when you're partnered off with 向井理. Yes. 向井理.

Waiting for seven years, a jokester with a pleasant smile, and a feeling of belonging to someone. That feeling. Although those jokes can be irritating you just cannot love him, because you do. And he's beautiful. His smile is beautiful. My heart melted away. And I just wanted to melt in his arms. Because at the back of those corny jokes you just want to hug him. But for now, you just pounce him whenever something silly comes out of his mouth. Which he loves doing. *Cue Kouta from A Clinic By The Sea with Mukai's face.

Aww. School settings are the sweetest. I wonder when will this come, Lord? When?

Weekend Discoveries

Weekends are becoming more hectic now that Christmas is here and everyone's preparing for the season's lineup of programs. Another factor is that our relatives from Amsterdam came home and we're just excited to hear about their stories and tell them ours. This year's Christmas is definitely going to be wonderful. I'm a bit relieved that I'm not as busy as I was in October and November. Although I am going to be busy helping out on our church's programs. My weekend was a mix of family bonding and church helping. There are a few things I've discovered during the two supposed-to-be-rest-days for the workers, and these are pleasant surprises. On the family side:

• My cousin Maan is watching The Heirs. I just finished it last week and if I should've known, we could have watched it together and swooned at Lee Min Ho!

Family day out: Tita Neneth's Birthday

We went on a little family day out one bright Sunday, despite of the work we have to prepare for our upcoming play. It's Tita Neneth's birthday, and we at my mother's family side invaded the celebrant's house to join her in the event. Which means having the celebrant run to and fro without sitting down to eat because she is too busy accommodating us as a host. We know our tita (aunt) is always hyped up whenever there's people. And we're not just people, we're family. So with all our love, we wish you a happy birthday, and we love you, yes--in your always excited self! :)

Current Chronicles: Books and things I want to buy

This post will only prove that I am human and I have needs and wants.

Uuuurgh. Of all the times when I should be wanting to buy this and that, why now? Winter has come in the north and work is slowing down. Knowing that Christmas is just around the corner makes it worse. There's always something I'd like to give (there's a whole list of them) or want for myself (usually something sparkly in the eye that I just gotta have it but it turns out I won't need it anyway). Yes, it's one of those days when I wish I have more to spend this season, which is quite a trial. My only consolation is that whenever I feel a tug in the heart, I know it's probably a bad dash of shopper's impulse.

Because I don't know if I'll really get them, or I'll really want them sooner or later, let me list my regretful little wishes in this post. I'll come back and tell you whether the purchase is successful. Because I know one or two (or more) of these items will land on my lap successfully, once I find a way to get my finances on a solid state. Just to tell you, I am in love with little things. Little things make me happy.

A Silent Discourse

Hello, what are you doing?"
You asked.
"Just sitting,"
I said
"And breathing
And staring at spaces
Trying to think of words
That best describes them
And wondering if
These objects have their own lives
With their own hearts
Pumping at their chests
As they breathe through their nostrils
And they stare at spaces
Towards where I am
And wondering if
I have life."

A Silent Discourse © 2013 Caris Cruz

We did not plan for this

Yes, we did not plan for this. But just the same, something awesome is about to happen.

I could remember that a year or two back, I was our church's Children's Ministry Coordinator. Which means I am responsible for anything that has something to do with the church kids. I could still go back to the moment when Ate Grace, our then deaconess, has to take a leave, which means it's just the kids and me. And yes, those kids cried and yearned for their church-mother to come back, while me, the church-older-sister, can't do anything for them but to try and sustain them as long as these hands can embrace them.

It was last year when I was moved from the Children's Ministry to Worship, which means greater territories and greater responsibilities for me. The girl next-in-line was Roxanne, who is still in her teens, enveloped in insecurity, lack of confidence, and fear. Not to mention different personal problems. So holding the ministry together needs some loving, if not strong, hands to be able to stay together.

Christmas is for children, so they say, and this Christmas is going to be. Wina, who came back a year ago, stoutly handles the Templekids and using her brassy, authoritative stares (but really spiffy nice heart) to put them literally under control (although SOME kids are still way beyond patience). This year, with everyone in to help, the church kids are going to have an awesome play and we're excited to be a part of it! In the background, that is.

始めよう。

Another one of my clients said goodbye to me today. It was surprising but I saw it coming. I knew that nothing lasts forever with freelancing, only freedom, and I am thankful I was able to move on and say goodbye without too much stress. It was one of my favorite gigs, writing for a design and arts inspired blog. I need those in my life; arts and design, I mean, and writing about them completes my week. I used to write about these topics before, but not consistently; I only do some posts whenever something strikes me (which I cannot write on any blogs I am working on). My old blog used to feature artists and designers. But now I decided to focus on myself. That's not too bad, is it?

始めよう means "let's start" in Japanese, and that's a fair reminder for me as this work week begins. I still have my clients who chose to work with me not just because of my skills, but because of who I am. And this is just the most wonderful ongoing working relationship I've ever had.

What Poetry Is

Fine poetry is like a fluid of awkward words
Put together in strings
Which you hang out for all to see
On the clothesline by your backyard
Under the sunlight

Of course, you take it in
When the rain comes
And the thunders howled mad
When you sit inside your room
As flashes of lightning sparks in your eye
And you cowered under your bedsheets
To write a few words, and more
When you're alone and can't be still
And letters become your companion

The shapeless form you call Hope

There it was
In shapeless form.
Hope.
Everybody called it by name
Though none knew it.
I doubt if there
Was anyone who dared to
Offer his hand
And hold it
In the warmth of his palms.
Why, it just existed
Wandering in spaces.
A speck in someone's eyes

The day of the small feeling

Ah yes, these moments come.
You know, for those people who loves giving themselves away, there's always a point when they feel empty.
Somehow, it disturbs me, because I'm having similar feelings right now.
I'm a bit scared that my client will not want my work.
I'm a bit scared that my agency may let go of me since I have been "consistently good" but I haven't "got anything new to bring to the table."
At this point I do feel stuck, although I am SO thankful to the clients who keeps staying with me no matter what. I love working with them and they always appreciate my work despite the growing demands of this business.
I mustn't forget that being a Phlegmatic, I am constantly consistent. At work or whatever.
Everything is predictable, although I always do it with my best--if I'm not preoccupied by another emotion, that is.
And now, I feel a bit small, because my works are less exciting.

50 Ways To Take A Break

I am that unfortunate creature who is looking for things to do whenever there's nothing to do. How about sitting at your desk, trying to write, when all that inspiration has been squeezed out, drained from and left your brain dry and flaky? I need to constantly remind myself to take a break, and this little illustration (thanks to its author) has been a favorite memo.

Of giving, truly giving.

I think I cannot truly give from the heart, without it hurting me a bit.
In a more general sense, true giving is an action called "sacrifice."
And just now, I think I have given with my heart. It stings a bit, but I was glad.
Every tangible thing from these hands is a fleeting memory, a temporal concept.
However, allowing a feeling of gratitude to exist, despite its passing, is wonderful.
To praise God for my sacrifice is really wonderful.
And if I could give glory to God with that just one fleeting moment, I am more than honored.

A person's personality is their very own persona.

Understanding your personality is like reading through God's manual for your operating system.

I've had lots of pains growing up because of one reason: I did not understand myself. I did not understand why I act like so when everyone else is doing something different. I did not understand why everyone loves to laugh boisterously, make puns and jokes, mess around, and be the life of the party while the goody-two-shoes me is just sitting in one corner, reading a book. All I understand is that because of who I am, I was picked up, bullied, abused and teased. I thought something must have been wrong with me.

It was just recently when I finally found out who I am. What my "types" were inclined to do and what I don't. I now understand why I dislike things. Why I quetly hate on things. Why I can cry at a corner while others scream angrily at another when mad.

I now understand who I am.

A little house visit

It's really weird when your relatives are living streets away from you and you only get to see each other like, once in a quarter. Or less. C'mon, we used to hang out in our Grandma's house every Sunday. Now that Inang is gone, we each have separate family lives. But every now and then it's good to pop by their houses and give them a warm visit, plus a lot of family talk!

We visited our Uncle's house, some street away from our house in the same subdivision. And yes, I am making this port just to show you some little snaps I captured in their home. Would have loved to *officially* take photos, their house is so Christmas-y especially their living room!

For the first time cake, I wasn't able to feast on you. We were already late for an appointment, but the whole visit delayed it MUCH more!

You can find me at the end of these traces of sugar crumbs.

Of phlegm and the Phlegmatic

Excuse me for the topic, but I guess this is very timely--for me at least, after suffering from a bad flu over the Thanksgiving weekend. I know that having phlegm and BEING a Phlegmatic are two different things. Well, it just so happened these things are present in one person--me, and well, as a person who loves diving into personalities, I'm letting you in a peek of myself. Oh, don't pop that bubble (it's made of concrete), but a peek won't hurt much, I guess!

Canmake: Making up with the makeup

I've recently been on a shopping spree when I spotted Japanese cosmetics on a favorite local online store. Why local? Well, I'm not very patient when it comes to waiting, and some of my purchases abroad did NOT reach me (bad customs, you!) Other than supporting homegrown stores (that sells international products, talk about irony), I love having the items shipped as soon as possible. Like the next day. And this transaction was as fast as that. I ordered the stuff this Monday and I got it on Tuesday. However, I wasn't able to play with my new stuff as I was sick. Really sick. So I waited a day later when I can properly pick up my new items with clean hands and no phlegm and doll up.

The stuff I bought was Canmake Tokyo Smooth Skin Primer and Canmake Concealer Foundation UV (plus a bonus Etude House Brow Pencil, as Miko recommends). Canmake is, you know, that popular Japanese cosmetic brand that sells affordable, princess-y items to care and cover the face. I've NEVER been interested in makeup and I guess I never will, if I wasn't an artist by heart and here comes that great desire to paint on myself. Besides the fact that my signs of aging are showing. And no BB cream could hide that!

The hundred ways of saying "I love you."

People say I love you all the time - when they say, ‘take an umbrella, it’s raining,’ or ‘hurry back,’ or even ‘watch out, you’ll break your neck.’ There are hundreds of ways of wording it - you just have to listen for it, my dear.

Verses to keep in mind

I’m a paradox

I’m a paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I’m lazy, yet I’m ambitious. I don’t like myself, but I also love who I am. I say I don’t care, but I really do. I crave attention, but reject it when it comes my way. I’m a conflicted contradiction. If I can’t figure myself out, there’s no way anyone else has.

Your needs don’t make you too much

Your needs don’t make you too much. They don’t make you selfish or weak or greedy. They make you human. We all have needs. And those hungers aren’t something we should feel ashamed of. They’re normal, we didn’t get enough of them as children hungers. Affections we’ve been deprived of by the people who are supposed to care for us. Connections we needed to feel whole and spaces we needed to feel safe. Cravings we’ve been taught we didn’t deserve. Appetites we’ve learned to suppress and fill with guilt. Again and again we’ve neglected our needs because we’ve been taught that they were too much— that we were too much. But we don’t have to any longer. You don’t have to.

Child-heart, take heart.

There's one thing I realized about myself.

I can't bully. I can't tease. I can't play around with another's feelings and make them feel even a tiny bit of hurt. I can't laugh at them. I can't make fun of them. It's so innatural for any human to NOT make fun of someone else, but I am always thinking of how'd anyone feel. Because being laughed at, being mocked, being ridiculed, being scorned. It's painful.

And I've had that pain. I don't want anyone else to suffer that, much more for me to give that kind of pain.

I saw myself as a person whose gentleness is TOO much it's sickening. Sickening to some, at least. I've been rejected, bullied, taken advantaged of, deceived and was suck out of most of my heart that there was I time I needed to shut of from humanity. Humanity is a miserable, hopeless case. You reach out your hand and they bite it. They take everything from you and leave you with a scar. And all you wanted was to be good.

Carry your burden

The only time you'll be able to do your best for something is when you take responsibility for it. Carry your burden, and carry it well.

The Things That Go By

The thing that I have to understand is that there are really some people and events in your life that, no matter how great or significant they were, will pass you by. They will go by. And sometimes, without looking back.

I just have to tell you that I lost a client today. //sad face// Yeah. But I realize that I was so hunched down with so many work that I can hardly really pay attention to each client. I was so busy doing it all, but I wasn't doing it all with excellence. it dawned upon me that my work has lacked attention and sometimes, integrity. With that, I deserve this. I think I should learn to focus on my current assignments and be more particular about my topics, grammar and wordings. To my present clients, I apologize for my lackluster work. I will be better from now on!

On the other hand, I think I should be relieved that I have less work this coming holiday season. Maybe next year will be a good start. I just have to be steadfast, honest and reliable for those who are counting on me.

Hold my hand

If the only thing you need
Is to hold on
To someone's hand
For your life
Here
Hold mine.
It has nothing
But warmth in it.
But if warmth is all you needed
To keep your heart alive
Here
Hold my hand.

Time After Time, 待ってるよ

君の顔
きみの声
見たい
聞いたい
Time after time
覚えてる
Time after time
行かないで
消えないで
ここに
ざいりゅう　して
ここにとどまて。
ずっと
ずっと
この場所
この町
待ってるよ。

Into a new melody

2013 is one of those years where I only managed to write a few songs. Writing songs is one of my favorite expressions, when my pen hesitates to draw a line or put on a color. Words are always a comfort for me, much more a melody. While it's not something that gives me any revenue (although some of my works were used for choirs and bands), I love writing songs in the same way artists intend to get their thoughts across. It's so natural of my to sit at one corner of my room, put my earphones on, hum and hum again, and then put the right words into the tune.

But I've been really busy lately. The kind of business that gave me new directions. It's sad that I can't just curl up somewhere and conceptualize my next story or song. But my time has been put to good use, and my productivity is evident for what I managed to buy for myself.

My notes are filled with half-finished lyrics with half-satisfactory tunes. It was only till last night when I managed to take a glimpse of my most recent works (which are probably made September-Early October). Luckily I did NOT cringe, because I could still feel the words afresh as if I've written it yesterday. This only means I can still relate to those thoughts and that they still exist in me.

In The Playlist: Last Kiss

I feel I'm the type of person who listens to the same song over and over and over again, especially when writing. I love soft, mellow songs to get me in my creativity mood, but then I like to pump things out with lots of guitars and drums when I'm left blank. Instrumentals are my staples, but sometimes you want to find songs you can hum and sing along.

Today's bit of music is sparked by my first listen to Moumoon's version of Memories. It's a ワンピースOST, and it's refreshing to hear Yuka's voice singing in the music-box accompanied song. I love what Moumoon did in their cover; it's quite different, but still the same. Anyways, please excuse my vague musical explanation. I did listen to another musician quite similar to them; she's an OST staple, and her voice is quite refreshing as Yuka's. She's Bonnie Pink, a jazzy, bluesy artist in the Japanese Pop scene. She and Moumoon chilled up my sunny morning and helped me focus on my work as I try to remember what some of their lyrics meant. Five songs, repeating over and over again. I guess that's a big improvement compared to just one song!

Dear my girl

Never give up.
If the world is moving forward, and you feel stuck on the road,
Don't fret.
You don't need to run,
Just walk at your pace
Very soon, you will find your own place
Life seems to be in a hurry
Everyone's in a rush
But don't make bad decisions
Don't take bad roads to cross
Because the truth is,
At the end, the road you're about to take
Is a road intended for you,
A road you yourself makes
Dear my girl, remember
That it's not about what others are
And what you are not
It's about who you are and what another cannot
Take your time, be still
As long as you're given the leisure of
But when you're called to walk
Make sure your legs are stronger
By then you will receive a blessing
Just for you
So when you look at the world
And all around you
And see everything is not the same
All you need to remember
Is
Never give up

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

In the spirit of the season, allow me to send my little greeting through this blog. Thanksgiving is a really meaningful celebration and it just reminds one to be grateful in everything, at all times. While we didn't have any pilgrims traveling in our country (we had the Malays haha), I want to be one with you in your lovely celebration and I hope you and your family gather all together tonight and celebrate your well-prepared feast.



Brushes from Creative Market | Creature Comforts

She was a vampire

She was afraid of her reflection because she was afraid of herself.

The problem with me is I have never looked at myself and felt convinced I am pretty. You know, I'm that girl who dodges mirrors, cameras, and anything that can snap an evidence of my face. When I get "snapped," I would RARELY dare to look at it. So when people tag me on Facebook I'll just ignore it and say "Yes" when they ask if I have seen my picture.

Haha. Well, that was before. A lot of it at least. Right now, I'm slowly learning to look at my face and getting used to it. I am still getting the goosebumps and cringes, but hey, that's MY face. Before, I never cared how my hair looked like, how disheveled I am, how bad my smile is, and all that stuff. I still don't, but at least now I put on some creams to cover up my flaws. I am still NOT photogenic, I never will be I guess, but I hope people will find me lovely (from the inside) when they meet me personally.

Look at my awkward smiles:

Taking a breather one slow Wednesday

Oh yes. Today feels rather slow for me. Compared to my last week hobbledehoy schedule where I have to wake up so early just to finish my work in line for me, I can catch my breath this week and just take everything pretty slow. I miss days like this. When I have time in my hands, roll out of my bed late, do some laundry and FINALLY think of what to eat instead of just grabbing the next edible thing inside the pantry. This is such a refreshing Wednesday, and I feel I'm ready to take on the holiday haggardness after Thanksgiving.

Speaking of holidays, I've looked over my boxes last night when my EZRA package came. I cannot describe how I'm surprised to have my order arriving the NEXT day. And this is so pretty! I'm definitely grabbing the orange frilly blouse. I won't be opening them since they're not meant for me anyway.

Me and Monday

After a 4-day working vacation (with two special events to focus on), here I am, back and running, this last Monday of November 2013. Those past days involves taking pictures, a lot of 'em, and learning new things and connecting with new people. It's surprising how I seem to actually love people, when I spend so much time being alone. I guess this is a bubble complex, if there was such a thing.

I was dead tired yesterday to even sum up Sunday's celebration, which is our church's 112th Anniversary. 112! That's how many generations? How many events? I can only gape at the whole moment and watch everything happen right under my nose.

The kids in the ministry have a new name for me: Ate Barbie. This is all due to my bad brunette blonde hair and my really sneaky way of hiding my spots (yay for no-makeup makeup look!) I don't know whether to enjoy it or not, because whenever I am with them it's like I'm a celebrity and my lean hands gets tugged and pulled and my waist gets so many hugs and everyone wants to sit on my lap. Yep, I'm everyone's raggedy doll.

Pero honestly ang sarap talaga to be around with kids. #FountainOfYouth#Neverland#PeterPan Hwag nga lang SUPER kulit na kids.

— Caris Cruz (@hellocaris) November 24, 2013

Your first heartbeat

I never believed in love at first heartbeat. In love at first sight. For our eyes have been trained to spot beautiful things, things that makes our hearts run wild, throbbing madly, screaming "I want you!" But that's not love.

Love is looking the second time around. It's spotting the flaws. It's a realization of imperfection; a blemished skin, crooked teeth, pug nose and bad hair. It's not a glimpse of an ethereal charm, a fleeting moment of an impulsive desire. It's the knowledge of one's ugliness. And it's loving that ugliness more than one's beauty.

So I ask you, never believe in the first heartbeat, at first sight. Look and look again. And if your heart still beats for her, then it's probably right.

The curls got through

Just in case you were wondering how I looked like (or if I successfully managed to pull a not-so-sloppy formal look of myself) during the L.o.V+E event, here is my case. Still sloppy, but a bit upgraded. Look at my eyes; THIS is what we call AGING.

L.o.V+E Wedding | A Lakeside Event

Hello everyone. The reason for my overnight crimping is this, an intimate wedding event for two of our church-mates, Val and Edlyn. It was something to look forward to, knowing the effort the couple has given to make this celebration as perfect as possible. And so, we at least dressed up to contribute to the perfection, and my crimps are just a bit, although it was unsuccessful!

Anyways, we traveled along with a few of our relatives (one living in Mindoro and the dad-and-son tandem lives somewhere in Leyte) to the venue, Lakeshore at Pampanga. Imagine everyone from abroad and the far corners of the country gathering together just to witness the event! And just as what we anticipated, it's lovely. I just had to take the photo of the light house, first thing when I got off the car.



This must be the venue. It has blue and yellow all over it, the motif of the wedding.



We reached the place earlier than we're supposed to, and good thing Uncle Ed says he'll take us to the villas where everyone is prepping up.

Paper Bonds

There's something I've been longing to try ever since I saw this on a friend's blog. Something really big is coming up and I unfortunately, cut my bangs short a la 김지원. So my best bet is to curl my hair a bit for a Mori Girl inspiration, and not to make me a brown-haired, fair-skin China doll (I've grown up looking like a China doll anyway).

What I did: In the old times, they call it crimping. Or whatever. I must have read too many old literature books to remember, but what I do know is that girls back then doesn't have an electric curler or a blow dryer. And I should say that not everyone is born with the luscious waves, or perm, as was the trend. Anyways, I'm not into perming (I had my thick, straight hair waved up five years ago) and I'm never into heat. Heat destroys hair like mad, and I dislike seeing my hair ends with that bright brown double-ended strip which signifies that I'm not caring for my mane. So I googled up for some tips and here it is. The paper bond curl!

I slept into them, I tell you. But this isn't any tiis-ganda moment because I can sleep into any hairstyle as long as my eyes are closed. Hehe. It's not that irritating to have paper all over your hair. I'm always sleepy anyway.

Deranged, as some may call it.

The thing is, your mess is like poetry to me.
When they say you're seriously insane, I think you're seriously beautiful.

Lost: my mind.

I don't know where my mind went. It probably ran off, right when the images of my people appeared right before my television screen, dumbfounded, wounded, stuck, cold, hungry and bare. I don't know where I could have placed my mind when the grandmothers weep for their little children, lying dead. The ground smells of flesh, skin and filth. There was mud all over. There was death all over.

If my mind stayed with me this whole week, I would have been heartless. But I have a heart, and I worry for them. I have a soul, and I grieve with them. Because these two little hands, who knew no startling damage as what I have seen then, are just itching to do something and save myself from just staring and doing nothing. I want to be redeemed by touching at least one life, one heart, who's crying in the cold, with uncomfortable clothes, with a mud-stricken face. At least. Just one.

Just another person

“You’re just another girl. And he’s just another guy that walks by without turning his head while you’re standing in line for that donut you’re sure you shouldn’t have. He’s just another guy who doesn’t look at you, because if he did you’d know he sees the hair sweeping across your face like it’s alive and your eyes streaming between the strands, or the way your face catches the sun when it’s angled upwards when you’ve had a sudden thought. You’d know that he wonders what made you sad when you get that look in your eye when you think no one’s looking. And though you’re just another girl and he’ll never see you again, you’d know that you’ve profounded his life in a mere moment, that you’ve added to the hundreds of ridiculously beautiful paintings in his head, and that if you caught that wetness in his eye as he turned away and wondered what the hell he was thinking, that maybe, just maybe, it was you.”

― Today is a winding road

Specs of spectacles: the Faith Gospel Singers

So my new shooting buddy (shoot, as in camera shoot) landed in my arms last Thursday in the QUICKEST surprise possible. After my online purchasing escapades, I decided to stop when this little black mirrorless camera arrived home because one, I have to save up, and two, I'm quite preoccupied by using it in many ways and means and I'll be busy shooting than shopping. But shooting things isn't really easy and I'm not as well-favored as having nice picturesque sceneries by my bedroom window. So when I'm out and about, that's when I only see some nice specs. No, I'm not a photographer and never will be. But I DO want to capture beautifully non-scripted shots that makes memories worth coming back to.

I am a Velveteen Rabbit

Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'

'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit.

'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.'

'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?'

'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.”

― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

The way we begin

The thing about beginnings, is that you have to start with really nothing.

In My Weekend Workplace

Watching Heirs today. I forgot to have a drama / anime spree for a long time, so I guess this is my stress-reliever. A lot of things happened recently; some nice surprises and some really bad ones. But anyways, it's a gloomy, cold and cuddle weather weekend. I had to work a bit and I may have to a little more later, but at least I could relax for now.

Of Squeezing My Brain's Remnants In Putting Up A Post...

So let me collect the remaining juices in my brain together so that I can make a blog post. Seriously. There has been a LOT going on in my life that I wanted to record, but then I am just too tired to even think. I'm not complaining! I'm blessed to work like this. If only I have been more physically fit so I can manage various tresses and all without being too much overworked!

I Wash My Hands Off You

I will not be a part of this folly. I prefer to be free. I wash my hands off you. Have it your way, but do it yourself.

My Happy List: October Weekly Edition - 1

The Wallflower and Wordless Days

Currently reinventing my love for Kame while finding the right inspiration to write. I'm aiming for three papers today, because I want to finish this task as soon as possible. Annie made it clear that things like my blunder happens. I DID felt bad about it, but after being honest, I'm alright. Humans are not strong. We're always in need of ways to make us feel understood. That's what I'm going to do. To be understood, for once!

Jump Start

Ahh. It just feels SO GOOD to finally not care. Oh wait, let me rephrase that. To finally not have any cares, at least for the moment. Because I can look back and remember when I cared EVERY SINGLE MINUTE, being anxious, stressed and fearful about looming things and I bet I could have been entirely drained and dead then. So this freedom is a very welcome thing, and I'm glad to find it. I feel a bit cold and heartless lately, but I am glad to be liberated from all the woes I used to carry around. Like everywhere and everytime!

Little Happy Things: September '13 Issue

 

I know I should have finished this post yesterday when it was still September, but I guess it wouldn't be too bad to have thig blog up this first of October. There's a handful of things I am thankful for the past month, and I'm listing them down below to remind me that every little or big thing makes up a one great happy feeling for me:

Rouen Tendencies: Plans on Moving Out

It's funny how I am unconsciously starting to think like Rouen. I mean, circumstances happening in my life are similar to those I have been concocting in my mind, the only difference is that I'm writing it for another character. Again, I'm having one of those Rouen Tendencies and the bug is really biting me hard recently, especially under this kind of weather which I DISLIKE so much, no matter how I try to control it.

I Got It!

 

Taking a deep long breath, heart racing and entirely overwhelmed. I can't even guess what You're going to do now, with this new thing. I am grateful, but this is just the beginning. Just the beginning.

Running back here

Wow! That "trial" was quite long! And I'm really having this habit of running back to this blog and say all about what happened and all. So this is really becoming my minute log! Loving my secret space.

Taking a Step

I am going to have, I think, a new client today. And it's going to really add a big, hefty sum to my regular work--which is already big. I am looking forward to this chance because it's going to help me earn that sum for my going-abroad stints. But this means I have to work a bit harder. My work load will become double.

On My Way to You

 

BB Story

I've been a religious BB Cream user since 2011. My first BB Creams were from Palgantong and Skin79, shipped from abroad. Skin79 smells of sunflower and Mama loves using it too! Palgantong on the other hand, has a darker and creamier texture. Both makes my skin translucent. It doesn't matter what's underneath it, because it masks off all those bad unwanted blemishes.

And This Could Be What I Wanted..

So this idea got stuck in my head and stayed there (and pranced and danced too!) Since I am an adult thriving on writing and making melodies, this is just the perfect dream. Like I want to be a song writer and go all around the world [insert some ideas here] ! I could still write for a living, but I will be doing what I love. It's like having two of my favorite things in one! I could still draw too! I'd love to have my very own studio!

Which brings me one happy thought my brother disclosed. He says that my mom and dad plans a space in the second floor for me once the house is overhauled! Ain't it nice? He says that I can move from one place to another and not get stuck in a room.

My parents are the awesomest. For me.

A Little Walk

I just want to say how a little walk helps. I took a walk this afternoon to hand out Wina a CD. But they weren't there, and I ought to finish some assignments, so I walked back home. It was nice. I met Dustin biking along the way. So I gave him a grin, although I don't think he recognized me.

Hahaha. I feel odd walking with my blood-colored shawl on. But I enjoyed it! I have to do this again. But where will I go?

And She Changed Her Mind!

Can I dub this blog as "The Blog of the Girl Who Can't Make Up Her Mind on How to Think." That'll be proper. Because in a minute I'd be annoyed, anxious and angry. And then right now I'm calm, crazy and happy.

 I blame you, failure McDo delivery. I was HANGRY. 

Anyways, I'm back in my regular honey mode. (I ate candy, so definitely I was just hungry! But then I usually have those bad inclinations as constant as a pendulum) Nearing through my work. One client's contract has expired, and I was really looking forward to it, because it's a fashion blog of a clothing store and I'm just excited for the exposure. So there. Fail at that. I haven't heard from my other editor too! I wonder how my pitch fared!

I am also having a song-writing spree lately! Here I am going to my second song. Now the only thing I need is my keyboard and maybe I could plot the little notes myself. Of course I can't arrange it on my own, but then that feeling of sinking into the music is just marvelous! I think it's about time. I was thinking to ask for my brother's guitar but it's taking him long to buy a new one so there. 

I took Myers-Briggs test, and this is the result:
Hmm...

Fighting it, still.

I've always thought that there's something wrong with me. Like right now, when I am able to talk about my past and all, I always feel I want to be human for once. I mean, people are looking at me with those respectful, adoring eyes. It's not like I hated that, it's just that I am NOT that perfect person everyone has been imagining of.

I am always tempted to put a little dirt on this doll's face. It's like so natural of me to make you see I'm no goody-goody. I'm not bad either. But I want to show you that I can feel. I'm not a robot (as everyone used to say). I'm not a doll. I am human. I make mistakes. I like weird things. I'm strange, but I am human, still.

Having Second Thoughts... YET AGAIN!

Okay, so I'm kind of thinking right now. I have been re-reading my first draft and then these new ideas are coming up. Because I wanted the transition to have more impact (and I'm not just going to tell the story but highlight it in the whole plot), I'm thinking of re-routing my little plot. AGAIN.

Feeling like a Storybook Character

 

Blame it on my yesterday's marathon of animation. Of course, music comes with the inspiration, and you can bet that after a good watch I have to find the OST. Which is on repeat since the early morning!

Flipping Words, Flipping Thoughts and Making Progress.

 

Sticks and Stones

Hi. It's a Sunday afternoon; gloomy skies, cold air, a nice time to take a nap or just relax on your couch and watch a good show. That's definitely what I'm going to do, right after I write this down!

This weekend has been incredible wearisome for me. I can't believe how I'll just turn aside all my enthusiasm and choose a little peaceful Saturday moment without the hustle in my church ministry. I am kind of thinking I'm losing my fire for it. Or maybe I need some new eyes to see new things through.

So anyway, I missed a lot of activities at church. I kind of felt embarrassed at Wina that she's been doing most of the work--the work I used to do. Embarrassed and relieved at the same time. It's been a while when I have been so careless during weekends, when I'm the one thinking of what to do during worship and the kids and the band. I used to harbor all those toxicity and it's surprising how another person is taking my place!

Shun Story

Merik Seyo IV, or simply Shun, is Rouen's most admired, most revered celebrity. Hailing from a long branch of Kappelmeisters, Shun has been endowed with a gift of music ever since he was young. At fifteen, he can play 27 different types of instruments. At the age of 20, he was fully launched into the youngest musical conductor in the country, taking the place of his father's position in the most notable philharmonic orchestra in town. At the age of 28, he tours around the world and performs music in extravagant events, being the youngest and most acclaimed Kappelmeister in his generation.

My Little List of Happiness: Weekly Edition

So I've decided to have a happiness list, because I want to look back one time and be thankful for everything I've been grateful for. I think being grateful is an attitude of being humble and being positive, looking towards the little things that will make you happy. So there. Here goes my little list for this week!

Today I...

 

The 'Current Chronicles' is more of my "Me Today" project--more like a list. It's a really nice Friday and this is my first post for this category. I was inspired from Sidda Thornton's Sunday Currently. It's a Friday, so that's definitely a miss.  But then again I wanted to write something, so there. Allow me to tell you some bits and pieces about this day.

ありがとうとよろしく！

 My Japanese is very limited and I have to admit, I cringe whenever I read my old posts with this language. It's too bad I have not continued my home study for the language for years, and I settled on learning a few of its bits and pieces through the dramas I've read. I don't know how I managed to get on much further than before now that my vocabulary is shrinking! Probably it's because of experience? Probably because I know a few handy words and it's enough to spark a nice little Japanese conversation. Ready for a little trivia?

Late Night Buds

Last night, I had a really bitter pre-devotion feeling. During the family talk, my mom asked me why I am staying up all night. She says that I am so weak that I am always being dragged by my clients that I force myself in working during the wee hours of the day. My dad told me to sleep early because the stress apparently, is getting quite visible on my face. They were worried, I know, but really my mom's words stings sometimes. Well most of the times. Because I always felt she did NOT know who I am and never really tried to be sensitive. Well, I know she's not THAT.

But the reason why I was a bit angered was because I wasn't being dragged by my clients to force myself in working during the wee hours of the day. What I was doing is something more important. If they have been sensitive they could have heard me and those loud shouts, songs and prayers from my room.

Midnight is my worship time. 

Shop Hop! Little Emily Shop

I'm so excited to tell you all about Little Emily Shop. My first encounter with them was when Multiply was still up and running. This dainty little store is filled with all lovely stuffs you could think at an affordable price, and re-discovering them once again this year was such a lovely surprise!
I knew them as a great resource for stationary, but stumbling over their new site, I found out that they're a perfect clothing shop too! Their hauls come from Korea (and everybody loves Korean Fashion here, no doubt). I just had to check their new system because I do feel this isn't the last time I'd be buying from them.

She was Afraid of Herself

 

Well, the truth is, I was afraid of myself. There was a long era in my life when I hardly combed, I hardly dressed up, I hardly looked at the mirror and I hardly smiled at the camera. I always make my inability to be photogenic as an excuse. But the truth is, I just didn't want to see myself. I was afraid of myself.

But recently, I've been changing. I don't know how, but I did. From the year when I wore entirely black, from the times when I kept my hair short and uncared for, and my skin yellowy brown under the sun, I finally learned to take care of myself and appreciate who I am. I have accepted who I am, slowly, slowly, until I have grown to love myself too!

Unbound

Mondays are always important for me. It's the first day back at work. Many people hated Mondays, but I don't. I love my work--sitting in front of my desk with my laptop and just type away. I work as a freelancer. In fact, I seem to rather have my heart throb when it comes to weekdays. I seems to fret when weekdays come, because that's the time when I will be going out of my "bubble" and into a place where I am seen by many people.

This week's Monday is different however. Miko and I set a date bound to another town, about an hour or so travel from ours. She was late. She overslept. But I'm not going to tell how late we were. Props to her, she managed to get packed and done within less than an hour. I want to tell how nice it felt when I got home with that smile plastered on my face, laughing about so many things.

Our date was set for our own dear lady Pastor, the wife of the man who led our church for years more than the number of fingers of my one hand. They have been serving so long in our church that they were practically family, especially Pastora (Miko calls her "mother"), who was with us when our lives were changed in one Unashamed To Worship camp in Baguio back in 2008.

Chapter 4: Hands

 

When I decided to live, I decided to be healed. It wasn't the type of sickness that takes just weeks to recover. It takes a long time. And that long time was like a punishment for me for choosing this road, but at that point I thought it was breakthrough. And then a few more breakthroughs came. 

I could embody those breakthroughs as people. And it all occured, just in one year. When I chose to go out of my comfort zone, I realized that there is a lot for me. And there is a lot of me that can be used for the good. Whereas my life for the past years have been self-serving, this time, I could put who I am into something that could be inspirational. It all started with a little tap, and then hands seem to gather and picked me up from the desperate, desolate place I was in.

Perhaps just one touch was all I needed. One touch and the words, "I believe in you."

I never knew I was meant for something good. I was wasting my life away, but when I chose to wait in faith, it came. It all came. Like in a one sudden package. One good thing went after the next. I have to step out *a bit* from my bubble (I am STILL there as of this moment), but it was worth it. A new world opened to me. A new world of possibilities.

Chapter 3: Inside the Bubble

I realized I had anxieties after the dark period of my life. It's probably one of the symptoms that something is wrong with me, yet I just couldn't bring myself to it. I always shrugged it off, ignored it completely, but by the time the haunting experiences comes back to memory, I lock myself in the room and cry. I cried a lot. I remember crying for no reason. I can easily be happy, but I can easily be lonely.

I remember choosing to be distant from people who makes me feel uncomfortable. It doesn't matter who they are--the people at work, the people at church, my friends, even sometimes, my family. It's not because of paranoia. Maybe it's because I want to be safe in my bubble and I'm not letting anyone near enough to pop it. It was my comfort zone. And I habitually do that.

From then on, every move, every word, every action I do is well calculated. I spoke too softly and too little. I hardly moved. I was a poker face. Nobody would ever know what I was thinking. I managed to get on with this so well that there came a time when I was subconsciously doing the part. I felt I was safe in being safe. And I was for the longest time.

Chapter 2: Black Blood

When you have been bullied, chances are you will bring your anger, resentment and a swelling hatred out, one way or another. If I keep it, I'll die. It's like a nightmare thinking these scenes over and over again. I knew how to live in darkness. The music I was listening to is enough for me to cut me physically. But I didn't do that. Aside from me choosing to be alone, there was no other evidence. There was no proof that I was having a hard time. There was no proof that I felt I was being strangled inside.

Most people would be bullies in turn. They have to vent out all that hatred. They have to take it out their system by passing it on to another. And this is NOT good. But somehow, it appeases them. Perhaps they want to prove that they are strong. Maybe not strong enough to fight off the ones who bullied them, but enough to bully another. Maybe it's just some sort of a food system where a prey becomes someone else's predator.

And then there are those who take their life. Mine is not worse enough for me to take my life. It was bad enough for me to wish my life away, but definitely not suicide. I never thought of that.