Rouen Tendencies: Plans on Moving Out

It's funny how I am unconsciously starting to think like Rouen. I mean, circumstances happening in my life are similar to those I have been concocting in my mind, the only difference is that I'm writing it for another character. Again, I'm having one of those Rouen Tendencies and the bug is really biting me hard recently, especially under this kind of weather which I DISLIKE so much, no matter how I try to control it.

I Got It!

 

Taking a deep long breath, heart racing and entirely overwhelmed. I can't even guess what You're going to do now, with this new thing. I am grateful, but this is just the beginning. Just the beginning.

Running back here

Wow! That "trial" was quite long! And I'm really having this habit of running back to this blog and say all about what happened and all. So this is really becoming my minute log! Loving my secret space.

Taking a Step

I am going to have, I think, a new client today. And it's going to really add a big, hefty sum to my regular work--which is already big. I am looking forward to this chance because it's going to help me earn that sum for my going-abroad stints. But this means I have to work a bit harder. My work load will become double.

On My Way to You

 

BB Story

I've been a religious BB Cream user since 2011. My first BB Creams were from Palgantong and Skin79, shipped from abroad. Skin79 smells of sunflower and Mama loves using it too! Palgantong on the other hand, has a darker and creamier texture. Both makes my skin translucent. It doesn't matter what's underneath it, because it masks off all those bad unwanted blemishes.

And This Could Be What I Wanted..

So this idea got stuck in my head and stayed there (and pranced and danced too!) Since I am an adult thriving on writing and making melodies, this is just the perfect dream. Like I want to be a song writer and go all around the world [insert some ideas here] ! I could still write for a living, but I will be doing what I love. It's like having two of my favorite things in one! I could still draw too! I'd love to have my very own studio!

Which brings me one happy thought my brother disclosed. He says that my mom and dad plans a space in the second floor for me once the house is overhauled! Ain't it nice? He says that I can move from one place to another and not get stuck in a room.

My parents are the awesomest. For me.

A Little Walk

I just want to say how a little walk helps. I took a walk this afternoon to hand out Wina a CD. But they weren't there, and I ought to finish some assignments, so I walked back home. It was nice. I met Dustin biking along the way. So I gave him a grin, although I don't think he recognized me.

Hahaha. I feel odd walking with my blood-colored shawl on. But I enjoyed it! I have to do this again. But where will I go?

And She Changed Her Mind!

Can I dub this blog as "The Blog of the Girl Who Can't Make Up Her Mind on How to Think." That'll be proper. Because in a minute I'd be annoyed, anxious and angry. And then right now I'm calm, crazy and happy.

 I blame you, failure McDo delivery. I was HANGRY. 

Anyways, I'm back in my regular honey mode. (I ate candy, so definitely I was just hungry! But then I usually have those bad inclinations as constant as a pendulum) Nearing through my work. One client's contract has expired, and I was really looking forward to it, because it's a fashion blog of a clothing store and I'm just excited for the exposure. So there. Fail at that. I haven't heard from my other editor too! I wonder how my pitch fared!

I am also having a song-writing spree lately! Here I am going to my second song. Now the only thing I need is my keyboard and maybe I could plot the little notes myself. Of course I can't arrange it on my own, but then that feeling of sinking into the music is just marvelous! I think it's about time. I was thinking to ask for my brother's guitar but it's taking him long to buy a new one so there. 

I took Myers-Briggs test, and this is the result:
Hmm...

Fighting it, still.

I've always thought that there's something wrong with me. Like right now, when I am able to talk about my past and all, I always feel I want to be human for once. I mean, people are looking at me with those respectful, adoring eyes. It's not like I hated that, it's just that I am NOT that perfect person everyone has been imagining of.

I am always tempted to put a little dirt on this doll's face. It's like so natural of me to make you see I'm no goody-goody. I'm not bad either. But I want to show you that I can feel. I'm not a robot (as everyone used to say). I'm not a doll. I am human. I make mistakes. I like weird things. I'm strange, but I am human, still.

Having Second Thoughts... YET AGAIN!

Okay, so I'm kind of thinking right now. I have been re-reading my first draft and then these new ideas are coming up. Because I wanted the transition to have more impact (and I'm not just going to tell the story but highlight it in the whole plot), I'm thinking of re-routing my little plot. AGAIN.

Feeling like a Storybook Character

 

Blame it on my yesterday's marathon of animation. Of course, music comes with the inspiration, and you can bet that after a good watch I have to find the OST. Which is on repeat since the early morning!

Flipping Words, Flipping Thoughts and Making Progress.

 

Sticks and Stones

Hi. It's a Sunday afternoon; gloomy skies, cold air, a nice time to take a nap or just relax on your couch and watch a good show. That's definitely what I'm going to do, right after I write this down!

This weekend has been incredible wearisome for me. I can't believe how I'll just turn aside all my enthusiasm and choose a little peaceful Saturday moment without the hustle in my church ministry. I am kind of thinking I'm losing my fire for it. Or maybe I need some new eyes to see new things through.

So anyway, I missed a lot of activities at church. I kind of felt embarrassed at Wina that she's been doing most of the work--the work I used to do. Embarrassed and relieved at the same time. It's been a while when I have been so careless during weekends, when I'm the one thinking of what to do during worship and the kids and the band. I used to harbor all those toxicity and it's surprising how another person is taking my place!

Shun Story

Merik Seyo IV, or simply Shun, is Rouen's most admired, most revered celebrity. Hailing from a long branch of Kappelmeisters, Shun has been endowed with a gift of music ever since he was young. At fifteen, he can play 27 different types of instruments. At the age of 20, he was fully launched into the youngest musical conductor in the country, taking the place of his father's position in the most notable philharmonic orchestra in town. At the age of 28, he tours around the world and performs music in extravagant events, being the youngest and most acclaimed Kappelmeister in his generation.

My Little List of Happiness: Weekly Edition

So I've decided to have a happiness list, because I want to look back one time and be thankful for everything I've been grateful for. I think being grateful is an attitude of being humble and being positive, looking towards the little things that will make you happy. So there. Here goes my little list for this week!

Today I...

 

The 'Current Chronicles' is more of my "Me Today" project--more like a list. It's a really nice Friday and this is my first post for this category. I was inspired from Sidda Thornton's Sunday Currently. It's a Friday, so that's definitely a miss.  But then again I wanted to write something, so there. Allow me to tell you some bits and pieces about this day.

ありがとうとよろしく！

 My Japanese is very limited and I have to admit, I cringe whenever I read my old posts with this language. It's too bad I have not continued my home study for the language for years, and I settled on learning a few of its bits and pieces through the dramas I've read. I don't know how I managed to get on much further than before now that my vocabulary is shrinking! Probably it's because of experience? Probably because I know a few handy words and it's enough to spark a nice little Japanese conversation. Ready for a little trivia?

Late Night Buds

Last night, I had a really bitter pre-devotion feeling. During the family talk, my mom asked me why I am staying up all night. She says that I am so weak that I am always being dragged by my clients that I force myself in working during the wee hours of the day. My dad told me to sleep early because the stress apparently, is getting quite visible on my face. They were worried, I know, but really my mom's words stings sometimes. Well most of the times. Because I always felt she did NOT know who I am and never really tried to be sensitive. Well, I know she's not THAT.

But the reason why I was a bit angered was because I wasn't being dragged by my clients to force myself in working during the wee hours of the day. What I was doing is something more important. If they have been sensitive they could have heard me and those loud shouts, songs and prayers from my room.

Midnight is my worship time. 

Shop Hop! Little Emily Shop

I'm so excited to tell you all about Little Emily Shop. My first encounter with them was when Multiply was still up and running. This dainty little store is filled with all lovely stuffs you could think at an affordable price, and re-discovering them once again this year was such a lovely surprise!
I knew them as a great resource for stationary, but stumbling over their new site, I found out that they're a perfect clothing shop too! Their hauls come from Korea (and everybody loves Korean Fashion here, no doubt). I just had to check their new system because I do feel this isn't the last time I'd be buying from them.

She was Afraid of Herself

 

Well, the truth is, I was afraid of myself. There was a long era in my life when I hardly combed, I hardly dressed up, I hardly looked at the mirror and I hardly smiled at the camera. I always make my inability to be photogenic as an excuse. But the truth is, I just didn't want to see myself. I was afraid of myself.

But recently, I've been changing. I don't know how, but I did. From the year when I wore entirely black, from the times when I kept my hair short and uncared for, and my skin yellowy brown under the sun, I finally learned to take care of myself and appreciate who I am. I have accepted who I am, slowly, slowly, until I have grown to love myself too!

Unbound

Mondays are always important for me. It's the first day back at work. Many people hated Mondays, but I don't. I love my work--sitting in front of my desk with my laptop and just type away. I work as a freelancer. In fact, I seem to rather have my heart throb when it comes to weekdays. I seems to fret when weekdays come, because that's the time when I will be going out of my "bubble" and into a place where I am seen by many people.

This week's Monday is different however. Miko and I set a date bound to another town, about an hour or so travel from ours. She was late. She overslept. But I'm not going to tell how late we were. Props to her, she managed to get packed and done within less than an hour. I want to tell how nice it felt when I got home with that smile plastered on my face, laughing about so many things.

Our date was set for our own dear lady Pastor, the wife of the man who led our church for years more than the number of fingers of my one hand. They have been serving so long in our church that they were practically family, especially Pastora (Miko calls her "mother"), who was with us when our lives were changed in one Unashamed To Worship camp in Baguio back in 2008.

Chapter 4: Hands

 

When I decided to live, I decided to be healed. It wasn't the type of sickness that takes just weeks to recover. It takes a long time. And that long time was like a punishment for me for choosing this road, but at that point I thought it was breakthrough. And then a few more breakthroughs came. 

I could embody those breakthroughs as people. And it all occured, just in one year. When I chose to go out of my comfort zone, I realized that there is a lot for me. And there is a lot of me that can be used for the good. Whereas my life for the past years have been self-serving, this time, I could put who I am into something that could be inspirational. It all started with a little tap, and then hands seem to gather and picked me up from the desperate, desolate place I was in.

Perhaps just one touch was all I needed. One touch and the words, "I believe in you."

I never knew I was meant for something good. I was wasting my life away, but when I chose to wait in faith, it came. It all came. Like in a one sudden package. One good thing went after the next. I have to step out *a bit* from my bubble (I am STILL there as of this moment), but it was worth it. A new world opened to me. A new world of possibilities.

Chapter 3: Inside the Bubble

I realized I had anxieties after the dark period of my life. It's probably one of the symptoms that something is wrong with me, yet I just couldn't bring myself to it. I always shrugged it off, ignored it completely, but by the time the haunting experiences comes back to memory, I lock myself in the room and cry. I cried a lot. I remember crying for no reason. I can easily be happy, but I can easily be lonely.

I remember choosing to be distant from people who makes me feel uncomfortable. It doesn't matter who they are--the people at work, the people at church, my friends, even sometimes, my family. It's not because of paranoia. Maybe it's because I want to be safe in my bubble and I'm not letting anyone near enough to pop it. It was my comfort zone. And I habitually do that.

From then on, every move, every word, every action I do is well calculated. I spoke too softly and too little. I hardly moved. I was a poker face. Nobody would ever know what I was thinking. I managed to get on with this so well that there came a time when I was subconsciously doing the part. I felt I was safe in being safe. And I was for the longest time.

Chapter 2: Black Blood

When you have been bullied, chances are you will bring your anger, resentment and a swelling hatred out, one way or another. If I keep it, I'll die. It's like a nightmare thinking these scenes over and over again. I knew how to live in darkness. The music I was listening to is enough for me to cut me physically. But I didn't do that. Aside from me choosing to be alone, there was no other evidence. There was no proof that I was having a hard time. There was no proof that I felt I was being strangled inside.

Most people would be bullies in turn. They have to vent out all that hatred. They have to take it out their system by passing it on to another. And this is NOT good. But somehow, it appeases them. Perhaps they want to prove that they are strong. Maybe not strong enough to fight off the ones who bullied them, but enough to bully another. Maybe it's just some sort of a food system where a prey becomes someone else's predator.

And then there are those who take their life. Mine is not worse enough for me to take my life. It was bad enough for me to wish my life away, but definitely not suicide. I never thought of that.

Chapter 1: The Beginning

Now, where to begin?

Well, I wasn’t at all unexpected. I was expected. And I was always expecting. I was always anticipating. I am always forecasting what may happen, planning on what should happen, and assuming that this is supposed to happen and is more or less like so. I was always expecting. And I have been expected, so at that statement, I could say I lived a really nice life.

I am that girl, normal fair-ish face, wide eye, always smiling. I think it's the kind of smile that draws people to me. I was always smiling at everyone. I was always kind to everyone. I was reared with kindness, which is just fair that I give it back. Even with a little smile.

I am that person who loves reaching out to people and making them feel at ease. I'm not the life of the party; certainly not. I am a lifeless human being and being close to me is just like sleeping the rest of the hour away. But I was the one who sits down with the lonely person, talk to them, make them smile. I had the knack for making them smile.

I grew up being everybody's pet. That kind of girl. I wasn't perfect, but I wasn't bad. At least I thought I was. Everything was okay for me, until that season of my life when I wondered why things have to happen so.