Current Chronicles: Dipped in honey

Okay. That's honestly nothing. Although I did woke up with a bad sore throat. The cold isn't going away, I tell you. Not even in February. Nooo, it's much colder that month.

She is who she is without an apology

You. Crazy.

Me and my own image

I have become so full of myself I didn't know I am my own idol. I protected myself, prevented anyone from seeing myself, covered myself and then tore me up into pieces. I have always wanted to be loved and I felt so selfish of never wanting to give that love away. I am a Barbie; I trembled to be a plastic, but I loved that respect.  I have knelt down on my own image and I didn't know it. I never knew it.

So God, please. Help me not to make an idol of my image. Help me, so that whenever I look at the mirror, I could only see you. Only you.

A dozen thoughts in a heartbeat

There must have been a dozen thoughts streaming from my brain every second: decisions, words to speak, what to do, which is proper, which is better. I always choose to bring out the positive ones and let the storm rage in my innards. I choose to be private with my chaos. Not because I don't know how, or feel that they don't matter, but the world has so many chaos to deal with.

Thank God for this soul with ridiculously long tolerance. (This is upto this day, I don't know about tomorrow!)

I just conclude, I don't need to say anything. I don't need to explain. Who I am, despite being under construction, doesn't have to share, unwound, and scratch the scars of the yesteryears. I don't have to talk about myself. I don't have to talk about my old wounds. Those does not matter. As Miko says, it's over. I don't have to live nor deal with it anymore.

My account of yesterday, the Girls' Date Day, when we're already not girls.

Yesterday was pretty amazing, I tell you.

I have always liked traveling in a car, with companions to talk to, but traveling alone has always that special place in my heart. I like looking at people, observing their warmth (or apathy, if there's none), smiling at them and making their day bright, and just be that little ray of sunshine who just stepped out of her house.

Stepping out of my house means me looking decent, not like the shabby person I am whenever I stay in my "cave." (Writers ought to be messy, food everywhere, papers here and there etc.). I was thinking of what to bring with me that morning, whether a book or a drink, and I chose a book, because a book is particularly my comfort zone. I'm not the one to sit down somewhere and wait while drinking. I'd rather keep my eyes on some pages and follow a story to keep my mind going.

I got there unscathed, with Miko texting me then and now, wondering if I had any questions or so. I had to reply with a bunch of smileys to assure them it's okay, I'm on my way, and at the back of my mind, all of my parts are still here.

My love for you

My love for you is
A thousand mornings
That knows no night.

Whispers of the soul

I had a talk with a friend this Sunday morning after worship, and it really warmed my heart. Towards the end of this week, I was searching for something real, because something happened that made my inspirational channel just shut out. I don't know why, but I seem to have tendencies of super high-high joy and super low-low sadness. I'm in that middle low, and before I plunge into a frothy ocean of frustration, please send me that lifesaver!

Roxanne and I started this habit the other week, when we found it was effective. We started with faces of satisfaction, that nothing is wrong, just a tiny bit of a scare due to another's fault which she lets pass. Ten more minutes and I found myself blabbering at why I felt burned out in my ministerial case. She wasn't talking, had that smile plastered on to her face. I was just my regular self, spilling what I should spill out, for the rest of my gooey emotions are to precious for me to let anybody see but my soul. We went out talking about our last workers, the duo which rang a spiritual fire within our church, and we just keep on talking why now isn't the same. Both of us bitterly reminisce the past because we experienced the change there. We changed (into something better) there, then, and we wanted to share THAT change, if not the experience. Unfortunately that time is over. Inspiration stops. No more encouragements. No more beloved people. And then came her tear drops. Those tears which completely erased that smile on her face after finding out what's wrong with her.

Current Chronicles: Me Recently. (Like yeah it was the same idea right!)

Just in the mood for long, sarcastic titles. Oh wait, no!

Hold me together

If I were to describe the
Person I want to be with
My whole life,
I would like to ask for someone who
Would hold me together.
Someone who would
Pick me up whenever I'm broken.

The thing I'm afraid of

Current Chronicles: Dive in

One of my past clients contacted me today and asked me if I could help him out on a project. I just had to say yes. The idea of getting money out of it was way behind my mind. All I was thinking was, this is something new, I like new things, and I'd like to try my hand on new partnerships and brands, if not the experience.

So I said Yes. Dive in.

Of Humans and Books

I am finally convinced that I look at humans like books. Each person has a story to tell. And every story is different. There's comedy, passion, adventure, and etc. Their chapters unravel and I like looking at them with big, curious eyes. I like spotting something new. Like the change in their faces, the choice of words they speak, the type of clothes they wear, their reaction towards things. It's a wonderful discovery and I love observing them. It's like reading an excerpt of what's currently written inside their souls.

I have always known what genre I love to read. I love sweet stories; stories about life, family and heartaches. I love mysteries; they're delicious. You know, those plots that gives you little to no idea of what the ending should be. Sometimes, I read sorrow. Sorrow allows you to realize your own pains and helps you to become compassionate with another's wounds.

Secrets are meant to be kept.

For a time, that is.

Little discoveries and whatnots

Spoiler: This blog is turning to be an "unshell my personality" space. But since we writers are suggested to keep on writing whatever goes inside our ridiculous heads, I will go on.

Your scars make you alive

Tell me, if you haven't fallen
Then I can conclude
You haven't walked.
If you have not stumbled
You have not run.

Current Chronicles: In my opinion

Do you know the feeling of having your nose holes growing warm and large enough to suck in your desk in it? That's how I'd describe myself looking at Miura Haruma. Gosh, how can any man be so beautiful? (And to think I rather opposed THAT idea until 君に届け comes along)

What's Up?

Hello! That's my rather ugly foot in red polish. Yes, yes, please. It's the light. It's summery here. And I can't make any excuse why I am wearing mustard colored sandals. Those are mustard colored sandals.

Current Chronicles: I Confess.

Yep, I confess. I like him, I really do. I like her too, I really do. Whoever wrote 별에서 온 그대 is a genius and I'll be forever thankful for the Wednesdays and Thursdays this show airs. Oh, subbers. You made this girl happy. Now, I confess.

Current Chronicles: Going wishy-washy

Being Introverted: A Comic By Luchie

I've seen this posted on Tumblr and I thought I'd like to share it with you. Being introverted is really tough and beautiful at the same time. We tend to love people so much but we appreciate being alone. The last part is so, very real to me. This goes out to you, introverts, and to the other personalities, I hope you get the idea.

My letter of apology

I looked at my words
And wondered
If I should be sorry, because the things
I have said
May have broken down your wall
Or placed a crack
On your glass mirror.
It's as if my hands
Were like wooden hammers
Pounding on you
With sarcasm and hatred
And you were left into
The air, flying
Like dust.

Current Chronicles: Laundry day

It's a lovely Spring weather when all else is winter, or a blistering summer. Dawns are really cold and I need two layers of clothing to keep me warm. Afternoons are much nicer! My room, which is heavily curtained (courtesy of mama's newly installed mismatched new ones), prevents too much light from entering my room/office. The sight of the yard is nice, and there's a constant blue sky outside. I love January.

Your eyes are full.

It fits in your hand
Like the water in rain
It unlocks our two different selves
And shows
We are the same
Rather than wait til I
Put me out for the taking
You're breaking,
You're breaking into my heart
And I'm
Letting you

- Brooke Fraser, The Thief

I was having struggles with my devotion recently. First, my room feels so cramped with my keyboard arriving just in time for the new year. Second, something feels oddly different. I used to belt and sing my heart out in the middle of the night in worshiping my Best Friend / Father, but at the strike of January, it feels... new. I mean, why? At this point, last year, my heart was so much consumed in jumping and singing and just praying to the Lord till 2 AM and now it feels like my passion poofed. Unbelievable.

Well, recently, I found out what's wrong. First, it's not going to be the same as last year. Somehow, compared to my 2013 self, I've grown. I've broken out of a chain. And now, it's something different. It's not that normal singing and praying and jumping and belting anymore. Just the same, I want to worship my Lord, but this time, with a company. I mean, an accompaniment.

僕のいた時間: My time just got sweeter

Remember me posting a while ago how some things turned sour for me? I take it back! Seeing 三浦春馬's face illuminated everything else and I can only say...

Saturday, I love youuu! You made me so happy! Oh wait, Haruma made me happy!

— Caris Cruz (@hellocaris) January 11, 2014

I'm a little girl with little joys //priceless.

A sour taste in the mouth

I'm right back home, one Saturday afternoon. It feels like spring here, where not a snowdrop ever flew from the sky. The weather is sunny and the birds are fluttering by my window, quite nice, as I keep listening to a lot of piano instrumentals from well known Japanese children animation. Yeah, just the thing to set the mood.

Although the mood is already not-so-good. Despite the atmosphere feeling so sweet (and that I just came from a family reunion), some things I see just leaves a sour taste in the mouth.

Sometimes I hate wandering off to Facebook. I actually less frequented my account. Often, I could see pictures and things and stuffs which reminds me how greatly annoyed I am (God, why this thorn?). I cannot tell you how frustrating, distressing and just overall terrible it is to see these kind of things (hypocrisy, insensitivity, plain stupidity if it's not the first two) on a place where wisdom, love, peace and harmony should go. It's more than my little tolerating heart can tolerate, and sometimes I'd like to man up to that person and let him hear my piece.

But that ain't the right thing, isn't it?

Current Chronicles: She's so random

• Can somebody take me to a bookstore (aka paradise)? I need a word refill.


• Listening to 森のコンサート~いつも何度でも?となりのトトロ~ and my heart goes shiny-shiny whenever Totoro (さんぽ(映画「となりのトトロ」より)) is on play. Gosh, I love Totoro. It's the first Ghibli film I've watched. I'm still scared of the black house spiders, but hey, I want to ride on that cat bus!


• My blog is pink. Oh look! My blog is pink!


• Here's to a first week of writing for a new client of mine. If God plans it, this partnership will be awesome.


• Can I have a Do Min Joon?


• I might try writing my novel again. Seriously, the first chapter is the HARDEST part of it all


• I want a new dye. Although I think I will opt for another good brown or something. Should I try it manually?


• Do Min Joon? Please... :)

 

One chip off my ceramic skin

"If you rely too much on someone, a time will come when they'll get tired of your existence."

Today's episode of 별에서 온 그대 hit me, and it hit me hard. Similar to the main character, I am emotionally needy sometimes. There's always some scar that wouldn't fade away, and looking at them reminds me of the moments I've been badly wounded. I feel victorious seeing myself now, but remembering the fall those times still gives me the shivers. I don't like talking about them because it's not just about my pain, but the pain of another; and it's a terrorizing kind of pain that I hope those people won't forget because it'll remind them that they're human, they're bound to death, and unless they took the Lord's hands, they wouldn't be able to live.

Such a vindictive kind of spirit, huh? I didn't mean they should dwell in their darkness. What I meant was, those moments should remain a humbling experience that what they went through was abominable and past forgiveness, but here they are, a second man.

I am such a broken, scattered creature. Very. And these days, I get to think about those days, and it's not fun. It's too bad that a chunk of my personality likes to rip my skin apart and see my very soul. I like studying people, including myself. I'd like to know if my intentions were pure, or if I was indeed bad to the bone. Well, as of this moment, I am convinced I'm not the worse.

I feel like I've got ceramic skin, all broken, but patiently plastered piece by piece by a patient Hand. Sometimes I wonder if there's a real hand, like one of flesh, who'll be able to actually hold me. Evidently, I'm the kind of pottery that can topple off one surprising second.

Current Chronicles: Song-Yi and Stingy

I thought I'd buy something today, because one of my go-to shops is on sale, but I realized how selfish I am. Maybe watching too much of  별에서 온 그대 reminds me of being too much similar to Song-Yi, getting things for myself just because I have money. Just for you to know, I never bought anything UNLESS they're on sale. Or dirt cheap. But getting something for myself, at this moment, no matter how nice those items in my wishlist are, doesn't feel nice at all.

I would have loved to buy my mom something. She's been working so hard this year. She's helped my relatives get through their own troubles. I, on the other hand, was just here in my room, writing, typing, thinking, dreaming, and being stagnant all day long. I don't blame my not-being pro-active (if that's the way I'm created), but I don't deserve anything.

Maybe I'll tell her to look up at the internet for something she wants to buy. I've been planning to purchase a new dryer since ours is slowly getting into the busted mode.

Paying for my annual SSS will be pushed back a month since the center has to adapt the new rates. Anyways, I managed to pay my health bills and gave Kim's gift--the BDJ Journal, which I am yet awaiting for the return email. I hope she makes something out of it!

I'm currently resting my brain as I listen to Monkey Majik.

Oh, I could have had my hair dyed earlier, when I was out, but I thought I'd stick to this really beach-y curls. It'll take time for my hair to grow and become officially an ombre, but it's really nice now. Plus, why am I feeling I'm saving money?

Cheers.

Random notes are love

Remember my birthday messages? About my fail Letters To Caris project? I'm still open for some of them handwritten stuff. And random notes from my favorite people just give me the warmest fuzzies.



From glass to diamonds. Wow, it's apt. Looking forward to be polished to shine!

Excuse me, I'm about to be noisy.

My room has been horrendously cramped at the beginning of new year. Benny, my keyboard, arrived just in time for my birthday (thanks to my brother who pitched in and helped me buying it) and my fingers are itching to, once again, have an instrument all to my own. I was supposed to have my brother's guitar, if he would be buying a new one, but unfortunately, it's not now. Pity the girl who only knew the basic chords on strings. At least I know a bit better on keys!

Go Remind Me: Writer's Block is a lie.

“Writer’s block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.”

Take it from Jerry Seinfeld. Other famous creators have articulated the same sentiment:

E.B. White: “A writer who waits for ideal conditions under which to work will die without putting a word on paper.”

Chuck Close: “Inspiration is for amateurs — the rest of us just show up and get to work.”

Tchaikovsky: “A self-respecting artist must not fold his hands on the pretext that he is not in the mood.”

Isabel Allende: “Show up, show up, show up, and after a while the muse shows up, too.”

Samuel Johnson: “Composition is for the most part an effort of slow diligence and steady perseverance, to which the mind is dragged by necessity or resolution.”

Post taken from Explore Blog

Current Chronicles: Things to pray for

I don't know why, but every time I blog here, I just want to blog a little bit more. You see, I just started out at my two new assignments (here's me hoping I've done a good job) and in a few more days, I won't be able to write again. I'll be so diverted, preoccupied, busy OR sleeping so I guess I should take time by fetlock, as some literature says.  Here's another installment of my current chronicles...

• Just arranged my schedule for work this week. I'm SO glad to fill out that board again. Makes me feel a bit proud that I'll be productive.


• Miko just gave me my second sweetest letter. I need them letters!


• Yesterday's plan about ministering to Tacloban (going there, adopting a church, etc) just had me excited. Somehow, I want to go there, talk to the kids, tell them stories, teach them songs, draw artworks with them, and inspire them back again and make them realize that everything that happened is for them. Because I know, despite the very, very harsh situation they've been put into, God polishes them and wants to transform them into stronger, better people. He's doing the same to everyone. I could tell you the rocks being thrown at me... not literally by the way!


• I want to curl my hair yet again, permanently. You know, the beach wave curls that's so relaxing and easygoing and pretty at the same time. My old dye is turning into a bad ombre, but I have no time to go to a salon NOR curl my hair everyday. I am so lazy.


• I'm eating at my desk and I wonder if my computer will get mad at me.

Pouring out the blessing, first Sunday of the year

Last year, I've been writing in my journal about this "change" that happened to me, in my ministries particularly. I've been a lot complacent (because the people around me have been complacent) and I probably burned my self out worrying about why our head isn't performing as much as he should. At least, as we see. It's kind of disheartening, I tell you. If I get the chance, I would like to tell him that, in a nice and respectful way. Because it's not what I "perceive." It's more like what I feel, and that's how bad it is, because everyone knows how much of a tolerant I am.

Okay, moving on. It's the first Sunday of the year and I just realize the three worship leaders have gone to Aldersgate, leaving me behind. Well, it's not like I'm all giddy going there now. I'm actually looking for a new retreat, but I don't want it to happen in a way that is unacceptable. With me here, I am responsible for our 2014's first Sunday Praise and Worship. And I was like "Oh my gosh 心がドキドキです～" It's that familiar feeling of anxiety, worry, headache, and excitement that finally, after six months or more, God is going to use me to lead His congregation to worship.

I really have a high regard for P&W, because 1.) I am no singer, 2.) I am no instrumentalist. I'm not supposed to be there but I landed that spot. Oh, I have to tell you I have the habit of landing spots where I have no "experience" of (cue my school organ editorship). Only the heart, if it's enough. Some can call it tough luck. I call it God's favor.

Current Chronicles: My keyboard complains

• Last night was the first night I heard my keyboard complain. (What I meant was having these electronic keys pound on its tone whenever it's touched). I've got heavy hands.


• Listening to Q;indivi + Bonnie Pink is magical. Reminds me of Katamari Damacy songs!


• Keeping my hopes up with new projects coming in. I'm excited!


• Started my oatmeal mornings after so many dessert-filled breakfasts. I feel bloated recently. But what I was aiming for this year is a healthier inside and clearer skin. More fiber!


• I'm wondering why my late night devotion has changed. Is it because my room started to become... cramped? I mean, having the piano and the sofa and the desk in my little place really constricted my movements. Or maybe it's high time I have quieter moments with my Lord.


• I'm supposed to study my new "craft." And I wonder why I'm not doing it right now, when I've got my time in my hands. Next week, I'll have a full blow. Why I am not taking time by fetlock?


• It's been a week since I planned on having a new hairdo, but I'm still sitting here, typing away, instead of going to my salon. Why, oh why? My hair turns really pleasant whenever I plan on cutting it! Aaah, this!


• Thank goodness the internet is behaving better than ten minutes ago. Oh wait. It's not again. ARGH.

This new year

This new year
I have decided to
Fill my lungs
With joy, more than the
Normal air we breath
And speak with
Peace, unlike the rattling
Tones of voices
We carelessly blurt
With thousands of
Waves of emotions.
This new year I
Will try not to guess
What tomorrow brings

This 2014, I...

Will fill my heart and soul with hope.

Last year 2013, the first thing I did was to declare blessings for me. Here's what I wrote on my FB page:

This year, the scars of your past will be drenched in Jesus' redeeming love. You will be covered by His grace, engulfed in His Love.
You will walk through deserts under a pillar of cloud, and into the night with a pillar of fire. What you have will always be enough, you will never lack a thing!
Now, go extend your boundaries, for the Lord is with you, He goes ahead your way!
And in Jesus' Name, we claim this. May it be so!

Evidently, I asked for "greater boundaries" and God's sufficiency, and I had it. I had it more than I could possibly wish for. Last year, I was able to dream big dreams, bigger than what I used to have, and hold it in the palm of my hands. I was so overwhelmed when I saw this declaration, and realizing it coming true. Especially "the scars of my past drenched in Jesus' redeeming love." This year, my worship changed, my personality changed, my heart changed, and although I still have those scars stinging at some point, I became stronger and my faith grew.

Thank God for 2013.

Touchdown: 28!

I know, I know. It's New Year, but I am still a bit hung over my 28th birthday, which is yesterday. Just like what we've done since I knew it, December 31 has always been a busy day for the family. It's our year-end celebration for my birth and my parent's anniversary, which is on the 30th. We cook and host and serve our family and beloved guests, and just as I anticipated, I am the slave for the day and I had to wash the dishes. Well, for me, being the celebrant means you serve. (I'm taking tita Neneth as my model!)