A sour taste in the mouth

I'm right back home, one Saturday afternoon. It feels like spring here, where not a snowdrop ever flew from the sky. The weather is sunny and the birds are fluttering by my window, quite nice, as I keep listening to a lot of piano instrumentals from well known Japanese children animation. Yeah, just the thing to set the mood.

Although the mood is already not-so-good. Despite the atmosphere feeling so sweet (and that I just came from a family reunion), some things I see just leaves a sour taste in the mouth.

Sometimes I hate wandering off to Facebook. I actually less frequented my account. Often, I could see pictures and things and stuffs which reminds me how greatly annoyed I am (God, why this thorn?). I cannot tell you how frustrating, distressing and just overall terrible it is to see these kind of things (hypocrisy, insensitivity, plain stupidity if it's not the first two) on a place where wisdom, love, peace and harmony should go. It's more than my little tolerating heart can tolerate, and sometimes I'd like to man up to that person and let him hear my piece.

But that ain't the right thing, isn't it?

And so I blogged. I blogged and will blog until this whole thing is over, because first, I want to keep this on a record. It could be that I was mistaken. Then I have something to ask pardon for. It could be that I was somehow on the right, discerning track. Well, these lessons will make me grow. Either ways, it'll make me grow.

I cannot just gulp in everything that's happening. My heart is against just accepting it. This church has already been my family, and there's a load of new "concepts" that drives us away from the truth. And honesty! Sheer honesty! Where is it? Are we taping our lips to pucker up because of our position? Isn't a Christian's life filled with small rebellions, like open, heart-warming arguments that leads two diverse thoughts into a harmonious compromise? Is a Christian passive? Is he not filled with fire? Is fire only available when you head on to the pulpit to preach? WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE NOT THERE?

I am hurting. I've been hurting because of this matter for the last year, and the one thing I'd like to do is to let our head know that there's a bunch of us, utterly disappointed. Perhaps if he sees that, maybe he'll know that something's wrong and something must be done to correct it.

But I really don't know how long I'm going to wait before this silent protest gets noticed. Yes, it's me, the most patient, silent and tolerant person on board. Oh wait, not the "most," maybe, but I belong to that species. Please ask my references.

Realizing new things.

One, in order for me not to be hurt with this matter, I have to detach myself from it. I have to make it irrelevant. I have to make it least priority. So what if our head doesn't care so much? So what if he's passive? He's accountable for it. He's accountable for all things he does. I'm accountable for everything I do. It's time I stop looking at another table and check my work if I have done my best.

But really. If there's gunpowder in my heart, it's because I love God and His church.  May You be my gunpowder, Lord. Set the fire inside my heart. And let not any selfishness, greed, pride or prejudice lead me in making my voice heard. I'd rather be mute if I'm NOT talking about You.

 Second, avoid other issues. No, sir. I'm not letting another ink blot my paper. This means, I have to stay focused. I don't want to just exist, but if

It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.  Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust— there may yet be hope. Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace. For no one is cast off by the Lord forever.

Lamentations 3:27-31