Go Remind Me: 2013 edition

The most beautiful of God's favors usually come in the most ugliest boxes.

Faced with a dilemma? Fired out of work? Heartbroken? Sick? You're in the right track. You're about to be blessed, BIG TIME, and everything is like a long stretch of a launch from an arrow about to fly skywards. Your gift is right there, in your ugly box, so don't let go. Keep on holding it. Wait. And let the ribbons let loose by themselves to open up an amazing favor hiding in there all along.

Your wandering has a purpose. God will bring you to your promised land in His perfect time.

Waiting has never been a friend, to anyone. We humans are created to be impatient, to have things our way, in our own time. When we're stuck without any certainties, it's good to know that God lets us wander because we have a final destination--our Canaan. That means wherever you are right now is just a piece of your journey.

My 2013 in Instagram

So, I think I have a lot of these 2013 posts. I can't get enough of this year; there's so much to talk about despite me not doing most of the things I used to do. It's the year when I took a step back, glanced at another direction, and found my labor getting its own reward. I find myself more inside my room with my mind roaming around the earth, meeting strangers, keeping my feet on the ground, with my reality as my ministry and my church community as my family.

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="612"] Good Morning, 2013![/caption]

My 2013 Failures And Victories

Okay, so the title seems to be the antithesis of the other, but I decided to push this post, because I thought it will give me, and every reader, the drastic scenario that I have somehow improved. Most of my problems aren't really big, if only it wasn't bloated out by my traumatizing social experiences. But anyways, I would like you to look at my list of failures and victories, and tell me if somehow, between these lines, I am more of a victor than a failure.

My 2013 Highlights

I may have mentioned somewhere in this blog that I only have a little life. I am an introvert, which is why I spend most of the time indoors (yes, while at work). So if you're looking for a wild, travel adventure or a glam set of fashion images, nope. That's not here. I have a really humble, modest life, with little achievements I consider as great feats. How? Well, these highlights may give you an idea.

January

• Applied for my SSS ID, which is important for my future.


• Got my hair in dark blonde

February

• Bought my dad his new phone for his birthday


• This blog's FB page created


• SSS ID delivered! *this was fast! We expected at least 6 months of interval before it'll be shipped.

March

• Atlag P&W spends time together overnight for our Easter P&W. This was a crazy experience and we had a lot of discussion (and it ended up having us doing it). Imagine moving all of our instruments one Saturday afternoon, then stay up all night as we have to get to the venue at 5 AM the next day!

My 2013 Goals And What Became of It

My journal has a built in "list" wherein I should jot down my goals for the year. Some of them were a hit, most a miss. Here's my humble little handful, and I'm proud to say that whatever materialized was all that I needed. There's a whopping hundred of them, but some are more on the emotional side. Here are the more tangible ones, which, uh, I guess, is more evident.

1. Save $500


2. Buy a piano


3. Travel: go to at least 5 new places


4. Meet new people. Meet new friends


5. Improve prayer life


6. Do something different everyday


7. Learn a new language: Spanish or Italian


8. Rewrite Rouen's Diary


9. Get new collaborations

Songs for the soul: my repose

If there is anything I wish to be that stays constant ever since I was young, it's to write songs. I've written my first song when I was like nine or ten years old (Grade 5). It's in Filipino, and if you don't understand the language, the better for you. My first song is very cheesy, but I guess you can forgive me for that. Mind you, I was a kid back then. I have already forgotten the verses, but the first one has always stuck in my mind. Here it goes:

Mayroon akong isang pangarap, sa puso ko'y panaginip na ipinunla
Parang kayamanang patuloy na lumalago sa twina
At bawat pagsubok, aking haharapin upang makamtan ang mithiin
Mayroon akong isang pangarap, sa puso ko'y mananatili.

Go ahead and use Google Translate if you insist on knowing.

Words have always been my best friend. When I'm not in the mood to draw sad, blank expressions whenever I'm upset, I always write. Just anything. It could be poetry. Or a song. I missed the chance of being an animator (being a self-declared オタク), but I can always be a writer whenever I want to because I don't need any high-end utilities to vent out my creativity. Instead of a tablet and good drawing pen, I can just take a piece of paper and pour out my soul.

One bad thing after another

It's really quite upsetting to have one bad thing after another occur just days before the year ends. Most often, everything is amazingly perfect after Christmas, because we've got lots of things to celebrate. My parents' anniversary is on the 30th, and my birthday is on the 31st. I'm turning 28 by the way.

Oh, but let me tell you about our unwanted new happenings. First, one of the agencies I work decided to let go of me. I had fun being with them, and I felt that I was only to enjoy their company for a season. And it was one of the best working seasons I had! Earlier I had two clients who did not renew my contract. I understand that that's how freelancing life goes, and I had more than enough for this year. Probably, it's because of the so-many unwanted situation happening around me that distracts me entirely from being my best.

Best (and funniest) Christmas gift ever!

Hello everyone. Meet my boyfriend: 김수현. He came out of the box that a little lady gave me. And he's not the alien from the stars. He's more of a pink little bunny who incessantly says "I love you" when his stomach gets tickled. And he can change face anytime. I'm planning Miura Haruma! *FTW!

I wish you could see me

I wish I could let you
Look at me
Bare
And see the rough patches on my skin
The lines of my eyes
Wrinkling through my cheeks
My bad teeth
And unkempt hair
When I did not shampoo it
For two days.
I wish you can look at me
When I am in my most terrible

Unshelling

It's amazing how
You're slowly peeling
My skin
Piece by piece
Unshelling my soul
I once thought was chaos
And letting me see my innards
Which now I see is
Beautiful

Unshelled © 2013 Caris Cruz

Merry Christmas, from the Avendanos!

My relatives from my mother's side held a grand Noche Buena this 24th to celebrate our not-so-complete reunion. My aunt and cousin just returned from Holland and we just gotta celebrate Christmas with a bang! We invaded our Uncle's home (which is quite a few streets away from ours) bringing food and gifts. Tito Boy's house always look neat and sosyal for Christmas. The place looks warm with the yellow autumn tones, and everything's like picture ready. Except us, of course!

Miracle on Bethlehem Street

This year's Christmas season is topped off by a laborious presentation from the church's very own Templekids. We took on Miracle on Bethlehem Street, a funny, yuletide material that reminds one of what Christmas really is. I'm among those working behind the scenes as the set and props group, because, we're the creatives. There was a smart suggestion from the group to use LCD projectors instead of regular props; we just have to put up a stage screen which can be used as a curtain as well.

Here they are, assembling the stage right after lunch time, and the boys are clearing out the altar for the set. Moe is preparing this video for a fast track shot he's thinking when compiling the whole show later on.



And me? I'm behind the camera... behind this camera!

Current chronicles

Hullo, everyone! It's Christmas week, would you believe that? I've never felt a busier holiday season than this--and each year is busier than before! Gifts to wrap, people to thank, pictures to take, letters to write and of course, work to work on makes anyone's life all the more challenging. So while I'm at that, here's some of the other things I'm doing; presenting, my current chronicles (which will become this blog's staple section):

• Uploading pictures and deleting the whole chunk off my camera. The Japanese language makes it all difficult.


• Pinning to write a year-end blog post but it turns out I can't because all my brain juice has been drained out


• Just finished a scheduled Christmas blog post for a favorite blog I am working on, and smiling at the response of readers this holiday season. Go visit Karma Kiss' Blog.


• Smelling the banana cake my mom is baking and hoping that I can help her with the errands this afternoon. Baking is tough work, you know. Especially if you're not the ones to eat what you've made.


• Trying to survive another spell of ikemen glory when Haruma Miura and Takeru Sato just pops out of my dashboard. Bad, you.


• Thankful that Wina has included two large liters of C2, my regular good fuel, in our Christmas bags. Feeling like a kid here! Posting some stuffs about yesterday's event real quick.


• Hearing my dog, Mapi (YES, it's for Yamapi, but my pet's real cute) crying during the rain and me having to fetch her because she's getting drenched while playing outside.


• Finally finished uploading the pictures; now getting some time off and then eventually help mama prep up our gifts!

Blog has moved! Update

As of this moment, my blog has transferred back to it's blog. I think I'll never get used to having no blogs under my own domain, so there. I'm keeping the main site for my portfolio, the perfect landing page. So I'll be revamping the whole thing up because the blog and the main site looks so much the same and having them like this is altogether creepy.

I'm back at my blog homebase and please continue to support me.

I want to tell you, your jokes are cheesy

I saw your face, that smirk
And my heart pounds mad as I listen to
Your thundering voice, just because
Out of your lips come senseless jokes
Just to annoy me, pleasantly.
It's what thrills you
It's what shirks me.

I saw your smile and my heart melted away

I am marking this day because I just had the craziest dream last night. Happiest I've had for months. You know, I hate to have dreams like this because it triggers my yearning for romance, which is evidently NOT possible, as of yet. But it's really pleasant. Especially when you're partnered off with 向井理. Yes. 向井理.

Waiting for seven years, a jokester with a pleasant smile, and a feeling of belonging to someone. That feeling. Although those jokes can be irritating you just cannot love him, because you do. And he's beautiful. His smile is beautiful. My heart melted away. And I just wanted to melt in his arms. Because at the back of those corny jokes you just want to hug him. But for now, you just pounce him whenever something silly comes out of his mouth. Which he loves doing. *Cue Kouta from A Clinic By The Sea with Mukai's face.

Aww. School settings are the sweetest. I wonder when will this come, Lord? When?

Weekend Discoveries

Weekends are becoming more hectic now that Christmas is here and everyone's preparing for the season's lineup of programs. Another factor is that our relatives from Amsterdam came home and we're just excited to hear about their stories and tell them ours. This year's Christmas is definitely going to be wonderful. I'm a bit relieved that I'm not as busy as I was in October and November. Although I am going to be busy helping out on our church's programs. My weekend was a mix of family bonding and church helping. There are a few things I've discovered during the two supposed-to-be-rest-days for the workers, and these are pleasant surprises. On the family side:

• My cousin Maan is watching The Heirs. I just finished it last week and if I should've known, we could have watched it together and swooned at Lee Min Ho!

Family day out: Tita Neneth's Birthday

We went on a little family day out one bright Sunday, despite of the work we have to prepare for our upcoming play. It's Tita Neneth's birthday, and we at my mother's family side invaded the celebrant's house to join her in the event. Which means having the celebrant run to and fro without sitting down to eat because she is too busy accommodating us as a host. We know our tita (aunt) is always hyped up whenever there's people. And we're not just people, we're family. So with all our love, we wish you a happy birthday, and we love you, yes--in your always excited self! :)

Current Chronicles: Books and things I want to buy

This post will only prove that I am human and I have needs and wants.

Uuuurgh. Of all the times when I should be wanting to buy this and that, why now? Winter has come in the north and work is slowing down. Knowing that Christmas is just around the corner makes it worse. There's always something I'd like to give (there's a whole list of them) or want for myself (usually something sparkly in the eye that I just gotta have it but it turns out I won't need it anyway). Yes, it's one of those days when I wish I have more to spend this season, which is quite a trial. My only consolation is that whenever I feel a tug in the heart, I know it's probably a bad dash of shopper's impulse.

Because I don't know if I'll really get them, or I'll really want them sooner or later, let me list my regretful little wishes in this post. I'll come back and tell you whether the purchase is successful. Because I know one or two (or more) of these items will land on my lap successfully, once I find a way to get my finances on a solid state. Just to tell you, I am in love with little things. Little things make me happy.

A Silent Discourse

Hello, what are you doing?"
You asked.
"Just sitting,"
I said
"And breathing
And staring at spaces
Trying to think of words
That best describes them
And wondering if
These objects have their own lives
With their own hearts
Pumping at their chests
As they breathe through their nostrils
And they stare at spaces
Towards where I am
And wondering if
I have life."

A Silent Discourse © 2013 Caris Cruz

We did not plan for this

Yes, we did not plan for this. But just the same, something awesome is about to happen.

I could remember that a year or two back, I was our church's Children's Ministry Coordinator. Which means I am responsible for anything that has something to do with the church kids. I could still go back to the moment when Ate Grace, our then deaconess, has to take a leave, which means it's just the kids and me. And yes, those kids cried and yearned for their church-mother to come back, while me, the church-older-sister, can't do anything for them but to try and sustain them as long as these hands can embrace them.

It was last year when I was moved from the Children's Ministry to Worship, which means greater territories and greater responsibilities for me. The girl next-in-line was Roxanne, who is still in her teens, enveloped in insecurity, lack of confidence, and fear. Not to mention different personal problems. So holding the ministry together needs some loving, if not strong, hands to be able to stay together.

Christmas is for children, so they say, and this Christmas is going to be. Wina, who came back a year ago, stoutly handles the Templekids and using her brassy, authoritative stares (but really spiffy nice heart) to put them literally under control (although SOME kids are still way beyond patience). This year, with everyone in to help, the church kids are going to have an awesome play and we're excited to be a part of it! In the background, that is.

始めよう。

Another one of my clients said goodbye to me today. It was surprising but I saw it coming. I knew that nothing lasts forever with freelancing, only freedom, and I am thankful I was able to move on and say goodbye without too much stress. It was one of my favorite gigs, writing for a design and arts inspired blog. I need those in my life; arts and design, I mean, and writing about them completes my week. I used to write about these topics before, but not consistently; I only do some posts whenever something strikes me (which I cannot write on any blogs I am working on). My old blog used to feature artists and designers. But now I decided to focus on myself. That's not too bad, is it?

始めよう means "let's start" in Japanese, and that's a fair reminder for me as this work week begins. I still have my clients who chose to work with me not just because of my skills, but because of who I am. And this is just the most wonderful ongoing working relationship I've ever had.

What Poetry Is

Fine poetry is like a fluid of awkward words
Put together in strings
Which you hang out for all to see
On the clothesline by your backyard
Under the sunlight

Of course, you take it in
When the rain comes
And the thunders howled mad
When you sit inside your room
As flashes of lightning sparks in your eye
And you cowered under your bedsheets
To write a few words, and more
When you're alone and can't be still
And letters become your companion

The shapeless form you call Hope

There it was
In shapeless form.
Hope.
Everybody called it by name
Though none knew it.
I doubt if there
Was anyone who dared to
Offer his hand
And hold it
In the warmth of his palms.
Why, it just existed
Wandering in spaces.
A speck in someone's eyes

The day of the small feeling

Ah yes, these moments come.
You know, for those people who loves giving themselves away, there's always a point when they feel empty.
Somehow, it disturbs me, because I'm having similar feelings right now.
I'm a bit scared that my client will not want my work.
I'm a bit scared that my agency may let go of me since I have been "consistently good" but I haven't "got anything new to bring to the table."
At this point I do feel stuck, although I am SO thankful to the clients who keeps staying with me no matter what. I love working with them and they always appreciate my work despite the growing demands of this business.
I mustn't forget that being a Phlegmatic, I am constantly consistent. At work or whatever.
Everything is predictable, although I always do it with my best--if I'm not preoccupied by another emotion, that is.
And now, I feel a bit small, because my works are less exciting.

50 Ways To Take A Break

I am that unfortunate creature who is looking for things to do whenever there's nothing to do. How about sitting at your desk, trying to write, when all that inspiration has been squeezed out, drained from and left your brain dry and flaky? I need to constantly remind myself to take a break, and this little illustration (thanks to its author) has been a favorite memo.

Of giving, truly giving.

I think I cannot truly give from the heart, without it hurting me a bit.
In a more general sense, true giving is an action called "sacrifice."
And just now, I think I have given with my heart. It stings a bit, but I was glad.
Every tangible thing from these hands is a fleeting memory, a temporal concept.
However, allowing a feeling of gratitude to exist, despite its passing, is wonderful.
To praise God for my sacrifice is really wonderful.
And if I could give glory to God with that just one fleeting moment, I am more than honored.

A person's personality is their very own persona.

Understanding your personality is like reading through God's manual for your operating system.

I've had lots of pains growing up because of one reason: I did not understand myself. I did not understand why I act like so when everyone else is doing something different. I did not understand why everyone loves to laugh boisterously, make puns and jokes, mess around, and be the life of the party while the goody-two-shoes me is just sitting in one corner, reading a book. All I understand is that because of who I am, I was picked up, bullied, abused and teased. I thought something must have been wrong with me.

It was just recently when I finally found out who I am. What my "types" were inclined to do and what I don't. I now understand why I dislike things. Why I quetly hate on things. Why I can cry at a corner while others scream angrily at another when mad.

I now understand who I am.

A little house visit

It's really weird when your relatives are living streets away from you and you only get to see each other like, once in a quarter. Or less. C'mon, we used to hang out in our Grandma's house every Sunday. Now that Inang is gone, we each have separate family lives. But every now and then it's good to pop by their houses and give them a warm visit, plus a lot of family talk!

We visited our Uncle's house, some street away from our house in the same subdivision. And yes, I am making this port just to show you some little snaps I captured in their home. Would have loved to *officially* take photos, their house is so Christmas-y especially their living room!

For the first time cake, I wasn't able to feast on you. We were already late for an appointment, but the whole visit delayed it MUCH more!

You can find me at the end of these traces of sugar crumbs.

Of phlegm and the Phlegmatic

Excuse me for the topic, but I guess this is very timely--for me at least, after suffering from a bad flu over the Thanksgiving weekend. I know that having phlegm and BEING a Phlegmatic are two different things. Well, it just so happened these things are present in one person--me, and well, as a person who loves diving into personalities, I'm letting you in a peek of myself. Oh, don't pop that bubble (it's made of concrete), but a peek won't hurt much, I guess!

Canmake: Making up with the makeup

I've recently been on a shopping spree when I spotted Japanese cosmetics on a favorite local online store. Why local? Well, I'm not very patient when it comes to waiting, and some of my purchases abroad did NOT reach me (bad customs, you!) Other than supporting homegrown stores (that sells international products, talk about irony), I love having the items shipped as soon as possible. Like the next day. And this transaction was as fast as that. I ordered the stuff this Monday and I got it on Tuesday. However, I wasn't able to play with my new stuff as I was sick. Really sick. So I waited a day later when I can properly pick up my new items with clean hands and no phlegm and doll up.

The stuff I bought was Canmake Tokyo Smooth Skin Primer and Canmake Concealer Foundation UV (plus a bonus Etude House Brow Pencil, as Miko recommends). Canmake is, you know, that popular Japanese cosmetic brand that sells affordable, princess-y items to care and cover the face. I've NEVER been interested in makeup and I guess I never will, if I wasn't an artist by heart and here comes that great desire to paint on myself. Besides the fact that my signs of aging are showing. And no BB cream could hide that!

The hundred ways of saying "I love you."

People say I love you all the time - when they say, ‘take an umbrella, it’s raining,’ or ‘hurry back,’ or even ‘watch out, you’ll break your neck.’ There are hundreds of ways of wording it - you just have to listen for it, my dear.

Verses to keep in mind

I’m a paradox

I’m a paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I’m lazy, yet I’m ambitious. I don’t like myself, but I also love who I am. I say I don’t care, but I really do. I crave attention, but reject it when it comes my way. I’m a conflicted contradiction. If I can’t figure myself out, there’s no way anyone else has.

Your needs don’t make you too much

Your needs don’t make you too much. They don’t make you selfish or weak or greedy. They make you human. We all have needs. And those hungers aren’t something we should feel ashamed of. They’re normal, we didn’t get enough of them as children hungers. Affections we’ve been deprived of by the people who are supposed to care for us. Connections we needed to feel whole and spaces we needed to feel safe. Cravings we’ve been taught we didn’t deserve. Appetites we’ve learned to suppress and fill with guilt. Again and again we’ve neglected our needs because we’ve been taught that they were too much— that we were too much. But we don’t have to any longer. You don’t have to.

Child-heart, take heart.

There's one thing I realized about myself.

I can't bully. I can't tease. I can't play around with another's feelings and make them feel even a tiny bit of hurt. I can't laugh at them. I can't make fun of them. It's so innatural for any human to NOT make fun of someone else, but I am always thinking of how'd anyone feel. Because being laughed at, being mocked, being ridiculed, being scorned. It's painful.

And I've had that pain. I don't want anyone else to suffer that, much more for me to give that kind of pain.

I saw myself as a person whose gentleness is TOO much it's sickening. Sickening to some, at least. I've been rejected, bullied, taken advantaged of, deceived and was suck out of most of my heart that there was I time I needed to shut of from humanity. Humanity is a miserable, hopeless case. You reach out your hand and they bite it. They take everything from you and leave you with a scar. And all you wanted was to be good.