Chapter 1: The Beginning

Now, where to begin?

Well, I wasn’t at all unexpected. I was expected. And I was always expecting. I was always anticipating. I am always forecasting what may happen, planning on what should happen, and assuming that this is supposed to happen and is more or less like so. I was always expecting. And I have been expected, so at that statement, I could say I lived a really nice life.

I am that girl, normal fair-ish face, wide eye, always smiling. I think it's the kind of smile that draws people to me. I was always smiling at everyone. I was always kind to everyone. I was reared with kindness, which is just fair that I give it back. Even with a little smile.

I am that person who loves reaching out to people and making them feel at ease. I'm not the life of the party; certainly not. I am a lifeless human being and being close to me is just like sleeping the rest of the hour away. But I was the one who sits down with the lonely person, talk to them, make them smile. I had the knack for making them smile.

I grew up being everybody's pet. That kind of girl. I wasn't perfect, but I wasn't bad. At least I thought I was. Everything was okay for me, until that season of my life when I wondered why things have to happen so.

I was bullied.

It wasn't the physical type of bullying, thank goodness. I don't know how I am ever going to recover with that. But it was bullying. An emotional bullying that pins you to the ground and cuts deep in your heart. It makes you wonder who your friends are. Who you're safe with. Who will protect you, and who will harass you. That feeling when you're being watched, stalked, texted, cursed. That feeling when you're starting to doubt yourself by being a relationship wrecker, a bitch, a flirt, a manipulator, a user and so on.

I wasn't aware of it, but soon enough I was depressed. At first I tried to shrug it all off. C'mon, bullying happens. Threats happens. Intimidation happens. Harassment happens. I took it so little of a deal I never, ever told my parents. I just consoled myself, maybe I was the bully-ish kind. And there are many bullied kids all around the world

But I was depressed. Depressed especially when I felt I was judged in a place I thought was safe. In a community I thought was family. With the group of people I have long admired and respected. They did this, and then it blew over.

That's when I chose to hide myself away. That's when I withdrew myself from people, from the society, from this community I loved. I was scared. I don't want to be misjudged. I don't want to be called names again. I can bear it, but not for my parents. They are amazing people and my mistakes cannot cost them their dignity.

I kept my mouth shut about this. I never mentioned ANY HINT of this to anyone. I bore it on my own. I was silent without questioning, without confronting, with reaching out to those who have done me bad.

The I got sick. It was some sort of a suicidal mentality. I knew that God wouldn't want me to take my life. But at the advent of that illness, I told God I'm ready to be taken away. I told Him I have no more dreams. I told Him I could just let this little life pass since it's not worth anything. I didn't die back then.

If there is anything that made me change my mind about this, it was my dad's tears. One day, when some bad news broke about me at school, he just went to my room, and just asked me with the tears streaming on his face, "What happened?"

I wasn't able to answer. But I still can't forget that look. It was the look that made me live.

It was when I chose to live that everything started to change.