A letter to Jesus: As long as I hear You

It's been the longest time since I felt so far away from You, Jesus.

Living under the marks people tagged me felt natural. It's my reality. It's who I am; a sinner. But basking under Your grace is overwhelmingly beautiful I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. I will forever live as a beggar undeserving of Your love. And will be grateful for it!

Recently, You reminded me of who I am. That to You, I am holy. I am clean. I am not the names Satan poked at me and definitely, I am not who I thought I was. I am grateful for this.

I have been confused lately. Where to go, whom to listen, what to do.

I know I have this work to do. But somehow, deep inside my heart, something doesn't feel right. It's like my soul is stopping at a trench and wouldn't flow. Like a chilly, happy puff of wind forbidden to enter at a brick-laden fortress. Like a It just wouldn't.

I'm sorry, if sometimes I tell You I want to give up my post and go somewhere else where I could hear Your voice clearly.

I want to walk with You. I want to go where I'll find You. But lately, here, there's nothing.

I don't want to clamp up once more and forget what I'm supposed to do. But I'm willing to hear You shouting loud at me, bellowing like a train or a bewildering alarm so I could wake up from my sleep. So probably I'd take my time and listen to You. If I missed the first sign, then please go send me another. And another. Until I can hear You.

I will stay and wait.

They say Christianity is an attitude. Doing the work for You is a choice. I would work for You all my heart. You know I'd do everything for You. The question is, is this Your work? Is this for You? Or is this for some human's goal?

There was a time when I ran with You, my heart fanned with fire and I didn't care whether I'd be tired or worn out or burned or whatever. Because You're there. And the people I'm with just exude the same amazing spirit and every time we meet, it's an explosion of faith bursting out of our every atom. That experience was amazing.

I still desire the taste of that fluid fire rolling in my tongue. It fills me at night and sparks my veins with electricity.

Because right now, I can only say a dull, paved highway with nothing on the road. Like an ordinary life going with its ordinary flow. It's not that I'm asking for anything extraordinary. But I know at the deep layers of my heart, being with You makes every ordinary thing extraordinary. And this, in this place I really love, everything has been ordinary so far.

It's like we've missed the one, first and foremost important thing: YOUR PRESENCE.

Miko told me that there's NO WAY You will not move in every circumstance in our lives. I hold on to that. I know You're moving. You're with me when I sleep, when I wake up, when I brush my teeth; You're doing things behind my back that makes it look like the "universe conspired" but the truth is, each and everyone's life is interconnected. And You amazingly worked Your ways to put our lives into one amazing harmony, together. You are everywhere, every time.

I will never forget that scenario when You walked with the Israelite people in their desert journey. Day and night, You were with them. You tell them to go and You tell them to stay. Your timing has its reasons. But the most important thing is that You dwell with them. What an awesome feeling to walk with God!

However, why is it that I feel cold, unexcited, and just plain uninterested with all that is happening here? Am I being tested? Am I allowed to go blind so that I wouldn't appreciate what You're doing? If I have sinned, then do punish me please. I deserve that. But do not keep me away from Your presence. I'd rather be wiped out, blotted and extinct.

Tell me what to do, Lord.

If You want me to wait, I'll wait. If You're saying that this is something that must happen for people to learn, I'll stay. It's been more than half-a-year that I've been asking about principles, desires, priorities and people's self-image. I don't care about that. All I want is You. And whatever You tell me to, I'll do it.

As long as it's You telling me. As long as I hear You. As long as You'll be with me every step of the way.

Do open my eyes. I want to see You.