Last night, I had my "talk." It was one of those beautiful moments when I just come to God like a child running after finding out something bad, and hoping that His big, loving arms could comfort me. It did. It always has.
When I found out that the growth in my mom's neck is somehow getting bigger and bothering, I knew it's about time for me to be shaken. I mean, I knew how it is to be sick. I knew how it is to have a mom sick.
The doctors advised her to keep out from stress and heavy things. Those were her routine. Being a worker in the court, she experiences stress every single day she comes inside the room. And heavy things? How about laundry and doing market and so on?
I told God, I want to do things to help my mom not because I like to (which is what most often happens) but because I NEED to. I need to learn it for my self and I need to take the burdens off my mom's hands.
And there goes my if onlys. If I could only be free of the current work I have, gain a better kind of remuneration, and go out of this room so I can be helpful outside my own space. I told Him that. I told Him I'm going to wait in this walk, if His Pillar of Cloud sets forth from this long stagnant period. But I can't hurry Him in transforming my life. I prayed for Him to change me so I can be willing to do all the work required of me without my if onlys. I don't need if onlys. I need to DO IT.
My sense of reasoning has changed and I am somewhat thankful for it. I'm the kind of person who has no idea of direction, a strong point of view of where I'm supposed to go, unless directed by God. I do that every single time. "Lord, should I, or shouldn't I?" "Is it time, or is it not?" I don't have my sense of time anymore. I always ask. And I told Him that if I missed His first call, He can scream right inside my ears so I can hear His voice bellowing from my soul. I want to hear from Him. And nobody else. He's my direction.
So I can only stand still and watch and wait and pray.
Last night's devotion was about Numbers 31, which I read and mouthed because "Blessed is he who reads God's Word aloud." And look,
... And anything else that can withstand fire must be put through the fire, and then it will be clean. But it must also be purified with the water of cleansing. And whatever cannot withstand fire must be put through that water.
Numbers 31: 23-24
This is my fire. This is my walk. I am still not into my "Narrow Road" yet, but we all have burdens to bear. Just now, I can hear my mom doing laundry (just this morning she carried a few bucketfuls to water her plants). And I realized, no, she won't let her life stop because she has a small growth in her neck. She will live. She will live with that if she has to, but she will live.
We will all have our own burdens, our own crosses, and it could be physically or emotionally or both. But In this family, we'll pray for each other if we cannot carry it together. We'll pray that each member will have the strength to carry her load, and that we'll do our best to be with them in all we can. For the rest, it's up to them and God; just between the two of them.
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