It's never going to be 'back to square one.'

My X-ray just came in this morning. Last week, I had such a fright when there was an indication that I had "abnormal spots" in my upper lung. And heck was I scared, for a bit that is. After whimpering, "Lord, help me please," I just felt this warm liquid hug enveloping my body and I was comforted after tearing up on my desk.

I had a similar scare a few years ago and I knew how it happened. I was young, I was weak, I was frustrated with myself and I got sick. At the back of my mind it was a slow suicide. But now, everything has changed. When back then, I was okay to die (without really having to kill myself), right now, I wanted to live.

And having a fright like this was just like remembering that thundering circumstance I had before. But somehow, a stronger hand gripped me, and I just had to tell Him, "Lord, I believe in You. I wish this isn't what they think it is, but if it is, I know I'm not back to square one again. I know I'm moving forward. This may be falling forward, but it's still forward. Forward to that place You wanted me to be in."

This week, I braved to have another X-ray and the people at the clinic were the nicest bunch of strangers I'd love to be friends with. I mentioned that staying in a hospital makes you vulnerable but warmer at the same time. It made my heart open and my face to light up, somehow brightening the countenance of other patients who were confused and scared at the same time.

And so, as I was saying, my X-ray just came in this morning.

It was all clear.

---

I am the happiest I have ever been. Yes, despite all these circumstances. Which makes me realize that it's not about the circumstances, it's about Who you believe in.